I Need A Fresh Start

I often think about what kind of life I want to live.  I want it to be more than thoughts and I want to see myself fulfilling my goals.  It's more about the lifestyle I want to live rather than goals really.  Yes I'd love to lose 60 pounds, yes I'd love to have X amount of money saved in the bank, yes I'd love to travel to this place and that place.  But what I really want is to live a day to day life that it is MY perfect world.

I'd love to consistently work out.  Not necessarily so I can lose a certain amount of weight but because I'd love to lead an active lifestyle.  Whether it's hiking more with the kids, going sea kayaking with my husband, running on the treadmill at the gym, taking the kids for a walk around the neighborhood, I just want it to be a part of my daily life.

I need to take down my YouTube videos.  There was a lot of talk the last couple weeks over Womb Tube and women sharing too much and most of my subscribers and people I watch were outraged and me, well not so much.  I tend to agree with a lot of the opinions.  I think ever since I posted my first video I in a small way regretted it.  I really was putting a lot of personal information out there.....yet NO ONE in my real life knows about it which means I don't really think it's the right thing to do.  I've also realized that I looked negatively on my real life family and friends because everyone on YT, especially in the infertility world, understood me where in real life it just felt like no one got it.  I couldn't find any people in my town to talk to or share ideas with so I turned to You Tube.  I get emails every week from people that watched all my videos and they thank me for sharing my story.  And those emails do make me happy.  But sometimes I feel like I don't necessarily want to make videos anymore.  Videos of what?  Here's my favorite baby toys, here's my kids reaching their milestones, here's me at the park with my kids.  It just seems silly to me sometimes.  Why even post that on  You Tube?  Is that really going to be life changing for anyone to watch that and is it just wasting my time that should be used towards other things in my life that are important to me?  I also think I tend to hold my YT friends to a different standard than IRL friends.  IRL friends are expected to call you periodically, make plans to go out to lunch, invite you to their birthday, show up to your kids' birthdays etc. Yet YT friends are what, expected to watch and comment and that's why they get you so much??  I do love that I've met some wonderful gals through YT.  Shel comes to mind right away, yet I know we will both keep up with each others blogs even if I take down YT:)

I watch too much crap TV!!  And I don't judge any of you that watch it because I've watched the Real World on MTV since it first aired, I was still in Elementary school!  I watch all the Real Housewives too!  And sometimes I watch and think, this really is a waste of time....only because I don't finish certain projects because I watch HOURS of reality TV!  So I'm not saying I'll never go back to watching it but for the next 3 months, I'm going to stop watching Real Housewives, Real World, Duggars, and Kate plus 8....just to see if I use my time in better ways and I'm happier....if not or if I decide to watch it again then so be it.

I want to craft more and complete projects in my house.  I really do love doing projects.  I did 4 different projects for my husband's Father's day gifts and I really enjoyed it!  I'd love to do more things like that for birthdays and Christmas but I always seem so short on time (too much TV watching!).   My house is only 5 years old but there are parts that don't quite feel homey that I need to work on and there are parts that are certainly falling apart that need attention so when the kids go to bed, I'm going to work a little bit on that stuff.

I want to try working from home for a month.  I currently rent an office in a large building but I'm just not that happy there.  We have the worst secretaries that never greet me, are rude to my clients and even my peers sometimes ride the elevator up or down and don't even say hi. It's so strange to me.  And people in my office just seem so fake lately so I spend too much of my time thinking about their short falls instead of worrying about my own business.  It's not a good feeling to NOT want to go to the office.  Why I haven't worked from home is A) I think in general people are more productive in an office environment and easily distracted in a home office and B) I felt guilty if my kids are at my mom's being watched if I was still at home yet I can't have them home and get work done or even make calls so I can't be a stay at home/work from home mom.   The hardest part in making the decision to work from my home office was to decide to still send my kids to daycare (AKA my mom's).  I pay my mom regardless of how many hours she watches them and for 5 months this year she got paid for not watching them at all so I should let go of the guilt.  I've set some goals for what I want to achieve in my business in that  month and either I make my goal or I go back to the office so I'll keep my office space for the coming month and if it works out, I'll give up my office after the month is over.

Obviously this month has been an extremely hard time in my life.  When something that awful happens it makes me reevaluate what changes I need to make.  There are many areas of my life that I have control over and yet I'm not controlling them the way I want to.  I do have to say that the past week has been really great.  I could have totally botched Father's Day for my husband but I really made a good effort and it was awesome because he is a good dad and it needed to be celebrated.  We are both making good efforts to help each other out and less effort intentionally trying to pick a fight.  Hopefully it's a fresh start for us and maybe these few changes I'm going to make get me some of my happy back:)