Not Sure What To Do

Let me start by saying that having my Grandpa and his girlfriend fly in for a 2 week visit the day after I told my husband it was over was probably our saving grace.  Because I don't air my dirty laundry to my Grandpa and I definitely didn't want him to know my husband I were having problems so we played nice, kept the peace and were forced to be around each other A LOT.  But the bad part is my Grandpa is still here and we aren't able to get away and talk so we have still not talked about it but he is probably flying out to a cabin on Wednesday for a few days so that'll be our first chance at talking.

I'm really struggling with all of this right now.  I keep asking myself if I can get pass this, could we ever get back to being really in love and showing each other respect AND affection.  The affection part is really bothersome to me at this point because I feel like I'd just replay this whole event in my head and wouldn't even be able to lay next to him let alone having any intimacy.  I openly admit that when we started having to have timed sex because of infertility and timing of clomid, our sex life suffered immensely and I'm not sure if it would ever be the same once we got to that point.  I know some couples really enjoyed the baby dancing but it became a chore followed with disappointment 2 weeks later when I wasn't pregnant month after month.  And we definitely haven't recovered from it.  I thought maybe a few months after we had Dylan we would, but I was just not that new mom begging the doctor to give them a go ahead to have sex 6 weeks post partum. 

Marriage counseling last summer was awful and now it's getting thrown back in my face as I'm the one that got us kicked out and it is true that the counselor was talking to me when she stopped the session.  So I'm really not interested in doing couples counseling at this point.  It's a very vulnerable spot to put yourself in when you spill your guts and tell this one person more about yourself and your marriage than any other person in the world and when they don't get you on a path to a better marriage, it feels like betrayal of some sorts.

I would do individual counseling but no amount of counseling is going to teach me that the hurtful things my husband said or him throwing my salad spinner all the way across the kitchen (I know, sounds so stupid but I've just never seen him act that way.  Whatever made him think it was okay to grab it out of my hands and throw it against a wall while lettuce and the parts to it exploded everywhere, I'll never know.) was okay to do.  But I think I've been through a lot especially over the past few years and I'd rather work on myself at this point.  I'm still hurt by our marriage counselor last summer telling me that if I got a divorce, that I wouldn't find something better.  It didn't come with a big explanation and I thought she was going to add that I needed to work on myself first, but nope.  I mean I'm definitely not thinking of a divorce because I think I can just go find a better man but to have someone that knew me for all of 3 or 4 hours of counseling to make that judgement really hurt.  I really hope if I ever did get a divorce, that I could work towards a better life, I definitely deserve a better life and to be treated better.

It was traumatic for me to watch him pick up Dylan after I kept repeating for him to please stop, just stop, not in front of the kids and try to get him to stop yelling.  I said, "Dylan is scared.  Put him down and just stop, you can't do this in front of them."  You know what it's like having your husband yell at you in front of your kids and tell  you you are a bad mom over and over.  He did not physically hurt Dylan if you are wondering, he was holding him very gently, but emotionally, who knows what damage he did.  I can't even remember where AJ was, that's awful but, he must have been somewhere but he didn't make a sound.  I'm bawling even writing this. 

I always told  myself that if my husband cheated or hit me, I'd leave (and I'm not judging those that  have been in that situation and decided to stay still) so after all this happened I was completely confused.  I'd never thought about what I'd do if my husband did this.  It wasn't cheating, it wasn't physical abuse, but it was horrible so then what am I supposed to do?  It is difficult to have kids and decide whether to stay or not  because I certainly cannot have them witness that again so I guess the big question is if I really believe that will not happen again or if we are better parents on our own.  I definitely haven't made up my mind if I'll say the words I want a divorce or not.  In the past I've said things like, "Either we start couples therapy or I'm done."   I don't have to have a perfect marriage, but I sure as heck would like a good one!!  

I definitely don't want to bother you all with my mess of a life, it's just good for me at times to write it out versus having these thoughts play over and over in my mind.