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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Update on the Potential Adoption

Let me just be real for a moment, since I found out in March that my son's biological mom was pregnant, I've been in a funk.  I went from losing 12 pounds the first 2 1/2 months of the year to gaining 14 pounds and being consumed by thoughts and scenarios running through my head about this baby.  Because there are just so many unknowns, it's been tough.

Last night we met with them to have dinner and talk.  I told my husband last week my gut was telling me that my son's biological mom was going to say she wanted to keep the baby.  And she did.  After some small talk I asked what their plans were after the baby was born and she said didn't know until the baby is born and if children services for out state steps in or not.  If they don't step in, she plans on keeping the baby.  Yet, she tells my son's aunt (who adopted his little sister) through several text messages she wants us to adopt.  What I was hoping is she would again state she wanted us to adopt the baby and we would talk to her about a private adoption.  But since she didn't, we let her talk a little bit and then told her, if children services takes the baby, us 4 cannot tell them to go away and we'll just do a private adoption.  She'd have to agree to that as soon as the baby was born and we'd have to make children's services aware of our plans.  And with that, we'd have to hire a lawyer at our expense and would need time to prepare and talk about everything the adoption would entail.  Where I live, she can give consent at birth, then has 10 days to change her mind.   It's crazy because she'd talk about if children's services took the baby, then maybe we could do a private adoption because she doesn't want the state in her business....again we'd have to correct her that we cannot do that if she doesn't do it before they take the baby.  And if they take the baby their first goal is reunification.

I did finally have to tell her for the sake of our family and especially my boys, I did not feel comfortable taking the baby if it went into the state's custody because the length of time it takes to adopt and the uncertainty involved.  Now between you and me, would we probably take the baby, yes unless she really wanted to get the baby back and I'm not playing the in and out of rehab for months, years, until she finally gives up.

After she had to leave to catch a bus, my son's biological dad stayed behind to "fill us in."  Basically he ratted her out for 30 straight minutes.  She's been smoking pot through the pregnancy because of her nausea and loss of appetite.  I'm not shocked, disgusted yes, but not shocked.  Also, she's went to the bar a couple times to have a beer.  Because she's so small and lost so much weight, I can see how a bartender might have served her but still, disgusted.  The dad says they cannot keep the baby and he cannot deal with her outbursts and that they literally have no money for this baby.  He said he cannot raise a baby in a crappy hotel, he knows his baby deserves more.  But this is also the guy that asked us to adopt last time, then told the courts he wanted the baby back with the mom just days later.

They are living in a crap motel here while the dad works security and throws out the drug dealers and she sits in the hotel all day.  I so want to go to Costco and stock her up with healthy food but it's just not my place.

Not your fairytale adoption story you had hoped for?  Number one thing, I want that baby safe whether she keeps it or we adopt.  But I have zero control over that at this point.  We are really back to square one with probably just having to wait for the baby to arrive.  We hope to just have dinner with them once a month until then and keep the open communication going.

We are planning to meet with our adoption lawyer from our last adoption and come up with a plan should they go along with a private adoption or if she is able to represent us if the baby is put into state custody and brought into our home.  Also, we want to talk with children services and see what the process is in this situation and make sure the file is flagged with our name as first contact.

The reality is, she'll never get to keep this baby long term, but just how long she might get to keep this baby girl, I do not know.  And how long are we willing to wait?

As far as my funk, I got back to the gym yesterday (i was going 6 days a week and stopped cold turkey) and I prepped all my meals on Sunday for this week so hopefully I can get back on track.  My husband and I are doing well, not perfect, but so much better and we just celebrated 8 years of marriage!


  1. I am sorry there is so much turmoil going on. Now, is there no chance that since it is a girl that the aunt won't want her? I hate this for you, I wish this was just going cut and dry for you. Good luck!

  2. Hi Michelle, I totally forgot that important part of the story. The aunt found out in January she had breast cancer:( She went through chemotherapy and had a double mastectomy just a few weeks ago and will have reconstructive surgery around the time this baby girl is born. How awful right? She fully supports us adopting this baby and said she just can't adopt, her family has been through so much these past 6 months. We only check in every 6 months or so so I had no idea back in March this was going on.

  3. Not the best news, but with your passion in making sure that baby is safe, I know things will turn out well. I'm glad to know that you are back on your weight loss journey and that you all just celebrated another anniversary. Woohoo!! Congrats!! I also wanted to share that my hubby and I are starting our TTC journey and I would love for you to visit and maybe even follow my blog at projectbabyl.blogspot.com. Thanks in advance!! And thanks for sharing your story with us!!

  4. Hi Brandi,
    I don't know if you remember me, but it's Steph from YT 5ww. I just found your blog, and I'm also adopting twin girls through fostering. We finalize the adoption in september, and I totally understand what you are going through. The girl's birth mom had another baby and we were approached about the possibility of adopting that child as well, but now there are other circumstances that have basically left us in the dark just waiting to see what happens next (if anything happens at all). It stinks sometimes being so out of control, but we trust whatever happens is what's meant to be.

  5. Hi Brandi,

    It's been a while but this is Eden's mum Michelle (littleshel from YT).
    I'm so sorry to hear your havign such a tough time and I hope whatever happens , things work out for you all. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to even sit across a table from those people! Some people just do not deserve to have kids. Your a verys trong lady and I know wahtever happens you will work through it - just wish this was simpler for you! xxxx

  6. Welcome back girl! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find peace and that the baby is healthy and stable, regardless if you get to adopt her. I can only imagine how hard this is, but you are right-- you cant just go out and buy her healthy foods-- i mean, she has to grow up sometime!!!

  7. Just thinking about you Brandi, I hope all is well. I hope you update soon.