Foster Care Adoption: Do You Qualify for the Adoption Tax Credit?

To say we were shocked to find out we did actually qualify for the 2011 is an understatement!!  I'm not a CPA so if you adopted last year, you need to talk to a professional to see if you qualify but for those looking into adoption through foster care like we did, here's a few things we found out:

-Most kids in our foster care system are considered special needs.  Special needs can be because of their age, race, sibling group as well as medical needs.  As you know, our son is Native and was automatically considered special needs even though he has absolutely zero medical or psychological issues.  Because he was special needs, we qualified for the credit.

-The state paid all attorney fees, home study costs, and everything else that had to do with our adoption.  We had no out of pocket costs.  But the credit still applies because our son is considered special needs.

-Their is an income cap for adjusted gross income of around $185,000 and then the credit is phased out by $222,520.

-Say you didn't have $13,170 in tax in 2011 or say you don't have any tax liability last year (I say this because when my husband was in the military and deployed half the year, and we owned a house, we had 2 years where we owed nothing in tax), you still can get the the full $13,170 refunded!

Now, do I think you all should rush down to your local foster care office and adopt to get the credit, HECK NO!!!  But do I think it's amazing the government sees the need for adoptive families and are willing to give them a break on their taxes or reimburse some of the private adoption costs in order to allow more families the opportunity to adopt, YES I DO!!

Here is a link to the IRS' Six Things To Know About The Expanded Adoption Credit!

You're Not His Dad

"You're not his Dad."  Those few words turned a trip with two little boys and their DAD into a very short trip.

My husband is often very ambitious in his adventures out by himself with the boys.  Where I would just rather stay home than take them to places I deem stressful (Chuck E Cheese's, a department store that doesn't have shopping carts, a restaurant by myself and them) my husband has no problems with it and packs them up in the car and they are off!  On Sunday he decided to take them to McDonald's so they could play in the playland since it's been below zero out for about a week and he needed to do some reading for school.  I know, reading while watching two toddlers at McDonald's playland!  Crazy!

My husband is very nice to strangers and is willing to talk and carry on a conversation.  So it was no surprise that when he was out with the boys a lady that was Native inquired what tribe AJ was from.  They talked a little about that and she shared which tribe she was from.  But then....but then....the lecture and grilling started. 

"Are you feeding him Native foods?  Has he tried seal oil?  Do you feed him lots of berries?  He needs lots of berries?  What about dried fish, I'm sure he loves dried fish?  Does he eat lots of white fish?"  Which is fine, ask away lady even feel free to tell us about something we might not have heard of and where to get it or how to prepare.  And present in a sharing way, not a 'you are taking his culture away from him by not tracking down some seal oil' kind of way.

Then it evolved into, "How are you going to make sure he's proud of his culture and gets to experience his culture?"  WHAT????? We've been grilled on that repeatedly by social workers, lawyers, tribal council members, birth parents, the judge, etc.  We dealt with that for 2 years straight and our answers and actions were deemed acceptable and he officially become OUR SON in June. 

In our state, there are commercials that are asking Native families to step forward to become foster parents because the percentage of Native kids in foster care is extremely high and disproportionate to the percentage of people that are Native in the state.  I understand wanting the kids to be able to experience the culture and honestly, if there had been an available Native home when AJ was placed with us, he would have been moved.  If a tribal member had wanted to adopt him over us, that would have most likely happened.  But there was no one that stepped forward and we wanted him so bad we did everything we could to make sure he didn't go to yet another family.

And then she drops the bomb, "Are you his foster dad?"

Husband : "No, I'm his Dad."

Rude lady: "No you're not."

I know my husband and I know how he sounded on the phone right after he quickly packed up the boys and left.  He was crushed.   After we talked about it I told him it's perfectly okay to tell someone, even a woman, that she was being rude and that the comment was completely inappropriate and left it at that.  I didn't want him to get into a verbal battle but it really is okay to tell people they are being rude. 

I'd say 90% of people that we come in contact with say things like, "Oh, he has dark hair like his dad, and this one has blonde hair like his mom!"  And they leave it at that.  The other 10%  of people dig a little deeper and start asking about their ages, are they brothers, etc.  I feel that I'm pretty good at reading people's intentions so if they are still asking appropriate questions then we will say we were lucky to be able to adopt our oldest this past June. 

I doubt this will be the last time my husband or myself encounter someone who makes inappropriate comments in front of our kids but it is a good reminder that we need to talk more about how to handle those situations and how we are going to start talking to AJ about adoption and where he came from. 

But in better news, AJ turns 3 this week!!  I can't believe it!  I brought that chubby cheeked cutie home as a 5 month old and he's a little boy now that carries on conversations with me!  We are very lucky to have him in our lives.

I Used to Feel Cheated but Now I'm at Peace!

It really took until a couple weeks ago before I felt 100% at peace with not feeling cheated by my kids.  I don't know how to say it in the politically correct way but all I know is for the first 2 year of being a mom, I felt I got cheated and wasn't handed an easy situation with either kid and in some ways wanted to have a baby again fairly soon to do it all right this next time.  I posted this blog post a while back about all the things I'd do different last time and I still stand by that list, but now I don't feel like I need a do-over. 

My son Austin!

He is now ours forever!  20 minutes in court and we were done!  I've not been able to show you his pictures before today so I wanted to catch you all up:)  We did change his name to Austin officially yesterday.  He really had no idea why we were in court or what was happening which I think was great.  I'll update and edit this post later but I'm just really excited to share him with you all!  So here you go, meet my son!

 On April 29, 2009, this chubby little bundle of joy came home with me at 5 months old.  He had a funny little name that was hard to pronounce and hard to spell so we settled on "Monkey" as his nickname:)

Right after our court hearing!  He wanted CAAAKKKEE, so he got cake:)

My adoption was finalized!!

It's done, it's official and is one of the best days of my life!!!! Tomorrow I will be introducing you to my son Austin!

I'm Eating Cake

I'm officially an emotional eater and I just proved it by inhaling a big slice of German chocolate cake.  Ugghh.

I tried to be aware that I was emotional and not stop by Starbucks on my way home today even though I had tears welled up in my eyes but I made it home calorie free.

But then more emails came and my really happy day went to really bad really fast.

AJ's paternal Grandma who he hasn't seen since March 2010 and that was for an hour but hadn't seen him since May 2009 before that...for an hour....never sent a single birthday or Christmas card.....has come out of no where and decided today that I'm purposely trying to keep her from AJ and that I'm not following ICWA procedures.  She called up her tribe (who mind you is not the tribe that is representing AJ all along, only one tribe can at a time) and  now they are questioning my "cultural plan" for AJ and how I will keep him connected to his biological family. 

The point is, they really can say anything they want, but in the end it will not affect the outcome which is the state is allowing us to adopt him after 26 months in our care.  However, it could delay the final stamp of approval that is supposed to happen next week. OR, it could not delay but the grandmother has decided she wants to call and speak at the hearing.  You know, the hearing that is supposed to be an amazing family experience where the state declares us a forever family and makes AJ my forever son.  I'll be sitting there with friends and families while this lady chews me out in court.  I want to call her choice words right now.  I won't.  But I really want to.  Why would someone purposely ruin what should be such a great day?  And if she acts this way, that totally changes my previous thoughts on keeping in contact with her and driving 2 1/2 hours each way to see her next month.  All I can say to her is where was she the last 2 years?  Why now?  I think she's awful.  And the big piece of chocolate cake won't turn her into a nice person, but it seemed like an okay thing to do about 20 minutes ago:(

ADOPTION HEARING SCHEDULED!!!

Our adoption hearing was supposed to take place in August.....but our lawyer's paralegal was able to get us in in less than 2 weeks!!  I'm a little bit worried to get too excited about the exact date because there is a chance something can come up in the hearing (such as the tribe asks for more time even though they have not been involved in over 2 years) but it's still a big step!  And if everything goes well then it will be finalized and we will be changing his name and of course he will have OUR last name!! 

Searching For on the OWN Channel= Puffy Alien Eyes

I got sucked into the show Searching For last night and watched 3 hours of it in a row.  I'm a big bawl baby and watching reunion shows pretty much turns me into a hot mess!  I went to bed at midnight, not good, and when I woke up my eyes were almost swollen shut!  I actually had to put ice on them for a couple minutes and eye cream just to look normal to come to work. 

One thing I struggle with is what we will tell AJ as he gets older about his mom and what if he wants to track down his mom when he's an adult.  I see so many reunion shows about adopted kids searching for their birth moms and over and over it's said how unselfish the birth mom was by choosing adoption.  And I agree, in these shows when a mother, be it a teen mother or just a woman that is not able to parent another baby chooses to place the baby for adoption, I do think that takes a lot of courage and strength.  But that's not what AJ's mom did.  She put him in harms way by overdosing right in front of him and even contemplated giving him and his brother pills too.  After he was placed in our care, she still fought every week to get him back and bring him to drug rehab with her....3 different times even though she knew she was still using.  Where I live, if you have young children, the rehab programs are night and day better than if you are just a single woman trying to get a bed in a rehab program.  It was pretty apparent to the social workers and myself that a main focus for getting AJ back wasn't to parent but to get into a better program.  And I will never tell him that part.  But I'm just saying, our story is different than those I'm watching. 

I do believe she wanted to love him and have him back but she chose drugs and alcohol.  Only after 19 months of fighting the state did she decide to relinquish her rights.  She's never wrote him a single birthday card and the first present she got him was this past Christmas and she got it at a toy drive by Salvation Army.  Yet she has no problem asking us for money to go buy a case of Coke so in the past 2 years she could have bought him a $2 toy from Walmart. 

I just wonder what the future will look like for him and how, especially when he's a teenager and an adult, what kind of emotional turmoil he will go through.  We feel like when he's in 5th or 6th grade we can tell him she used drugs and alcohol and that's what made her sick.  Before that, we'll just say that she was sick and needed to take care of herself and she knew we loved him so much that she asked us to be his parents and we are so thankful to be his mom and dad.  Our latest dilemma is what do we tell him when we show him pictures of his baby sister.  I thought we would just say that it was his sister, my husband said we should just say it his cousin, but I don't like that either because that's a lie. AJ's aunt has the sister and she's really nice and we are keeping the communication lines open at this point. Any suggestions out there on how to go about the sibling pictures?