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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Standing In My Truth: I Should NOT Get Pregnant This Year

My mind has been in overdrive this week after reading Suze Orman's new book Money Class.  I'm kind of a finance junkie and that's what my degree is in so I've read most of the personal finance books out there.  A short little blurb about me is in a New York Times Bestseller about personal finance but I'm going to keep that a secret since it reveals too much personal info:)

Anyways, back to this book.  Suze talks a lot about standing in your truth and being completely honest about your finances.  My plan for some time has been to start TTCing in September if I lost 50lbs by then that way Dylan and the newborn would be about 2 1/2 years apart.  I know many women out there believe that they'll just figure it out when it comes to affording another baby and on those days when I would love nothing more than to be pregnant again I'm tempted to believe the same.  I grew up in a household where both parents worked and lived paycheck to paycheck and filed for bankruptcy twice.  It was stressful in our house but my parents were good parents and I like to think I turned out okay.  They rarely said no to most things and that's brought them to the place they are now.  Lots of debt, no retirement, no assets.  It scares me and probably scares them even more. 

If you remember, 12 days after I found out I was pregnant with Dylan, my husband got laid off (and remained unemployed for 5 months) for the first time in his adult life.  All the money we saved preparing for our baby was spent filling in the gap of his missing income.  Then we built our savings back up to a 4 month emergency the month Dylan was born.  Again, my husband got laid off here and there, I had to cut back on work and didn't get paid for 3 months and add in my desire to be at Target a couple times a week, we blew through that money and by last March we were back to living paycheck to paycheck which is so frightening when you have two kids to take care of.

Fast forward to this year, we again saved 4 months emergency and in November, my husband was once again laid off.  It felt as if we just couldn't catch a break.  He's worked 3 weeks total since November.  Now we are down to 2 months emergency.  Suze Orman advocates saving 8 months emergency fund and I really think that's a smart thing to do.  I would love to be able to sell our house but in this market, we owe about $75,000 more than it's worth, ouch.  So that's not really an option for us to save money. 

When I vlogged a lot before getting pregnant, a lot of women would tell me they had to put TTCing on hold because they couldn't afford the $2500 in meds for IVF, or the $500 for this or that medical bill.  I know, to each their own, but I'm not going to lie and say that that didn't worry me that they were willing to have a baby if they could just cover the fertility treatment costs but not have any emergency money saved.  I just believe in this economy, we have to get out of our entitlement mentality and plan for a rainy day.  I understand that now that I have 2 kids, that is maybe easier for me to say versus someone that is still TTCing their first child.  But even before I got pregnant, I still saved and planned for that baby and didn't adopt the attitude that it would all just work out.

So here I am standing in my truth and deciding that unless we have an 8 month emergency by September, baby making will be on hold.  I'm choosing long term financial stability for my kids and family over my desire to have another baby any time soon.  But if I happen to win Publisher's Clearing House this year, baby making will be in full swing once again!

Weekly Weigh In: At least I'm moving in the right direction!

I lost .2 lbs today.  Yes, a fraction of a pound:)  But that's okay, I'm moving in the right direction!

What I did learn is that eating 82 points in one day is not good for weight loss!  And I totally flaked on the gym part this week which is hugely disappointing to me.  I have the Couch to 5 K printed off and I did that 2 years ago and was amazed I could even run a mile so I'm going to do it again!  I did cross country running and track in high school but was SO slow.  Anyone was allowed to join as long as you came to all the practices and competed in meets and I did that.  I only have 2 more session of bootcamp.  I'm paid up for  a year of personal training and well, I've flaked REALLY big time on that whole deal.  I really could have someone train me 5 days a week for a month solid just to use up my missed sessions.

I do wish exercise was a part of my life.  I love it when I'm there, but getting there seems to be the issue.  And not because I don't have the time, it's just because I'm lazy.  I've been researching the Bob Duallie Strollers because the terrain around our neighborhood just doesn't allow our Graco stroller to be pushed around very easily and it only holds one kid.  Last year I just used a baby pack and my husband packed our oldest.  This year, they are just too big for me to enjoy doing that for very long.  REI has a 20% off coupon and we have some money from our yearly rebate so I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it or not.  Anyone out there have a good stroller they like for walking/jogging with your kiddo?

So for this week I'm not going crazy with my weekend eating and I have to get myself to the gym with no more excuses!  Hope you all have a great weekend!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Weekly Weigh In: No Weigh In Pass

Yep, for the first time ever I chose to use a "no weigh in pass" and just attend the meeting.  On Friday night I worked much later than I had anticipated and when I got home my husband and made steak and potatoes.  Well, I'm kind of weird about day before weigh in foods and liquid consumption so I would have never made that dinner the day before my meeting but it was very sweet he made dinner.  So I ate it. Only 4 oz. of the steak but still, not the ideal foods to eat on that day. Also, all night I had a really scratchy throat so I wound up drinking 32 oz. of water through out the night. I woke up and had gained 2 lbs.  I was so disappointed and I felt like if I weighed in and saw my recorded weight as +2, I would have been bummed for days and probably ate junk food so that's all my excuses for not weighing in.  I really want to hit the 15lb mark this Saturday but that means I'm going to probably have to double up on workouts and I'm not sure if I feel that dedicated this week.  Pathetic but true!

This week our leader wrote a list of can't foods and can foods meaning what we can and can't have and of course all the junk food and fast food went into the can't column and all the healthy produce and lean proteins went into the can column.  Someone finally spoke up and said all those items in the can't column we actually can have. Of course this was the answer my leader was fishing for:)  We talked about how we avoid all those can't foods and often times over eat on healthy foods which still add up or we quit the program because our urge to have the can't foods is too strong to overcome.  She encouraged us to pick our favorite can't food, plan out the points and portion and add it back into our meal plan this week.  For me it's ice cream.  Hands down.  I honestly probably ate at least 1 1/2 cups each time I ate it.  Who decided a 1/2 cup was a serving??  Nowadays I have my splurge on the weekend and I admit that I may overeat on the splurge foods or eating out at a restaurant (like the half basket of chips at the Mexican restaurant) when what I really wanted was the dang ice cream.

I bought Dreyer's Slow Churned Strawberry ice cream and tonight I'll portion it out by the 1/2 cup into my Ziploc 4 oz. containers.  I also bought 2 containers of strawberries that I'm going to slice up and eat with the ice cream to fill me up and get a serving of fruit in.  I'm a little nervous to do it but if it works, great.  If I get tempted to eat more than a serving then I just know it's a food I can't bring into the house and I just need to go out for ice cream if that's what I want to splurge on that week.

And on a final note, can I just say right now, losing weight feels like the hardest thing in the world and that I'm scared to death of failing again and that I can't even picture how it would feel to be a normal weight.  I'm trying to hold on with everything I have because I have often times thought in the past 2 weeks that this is going to be just another failed attempt.  I hope my thoughts are wrong but only time will tell.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Thyroid Biopsy is Benign!

Just a quick update that my results came back as benign!  Yay for me right?! 

I got a bit worried when the doctor hadn't called with the test results within a week like she said she would.  She's very organized and always calls when she says she will.  I had to call in to her office yesterday and she called back and said everything was fine!  I have another appointment with her at the end of June just to follow up.

Also, starting in January, we lost our primary insurance we had with my husband's union since he was laid off.  It was the best damn insurance ever!!  I could go see any doctor and it paid 90%.  Now we are using Tri-care and well, a lot of private practices do not take Tri-Care but my endocrinologist agreed to since I was an established patient.  I went to buy birth control and I'm used to paying like $10 for 3 months worth, this time it was $66!  Wowser!  But, the important thing is I have insurance, there was a period of 5 years when I didn't:(

Monday, March 14, 2011

Weekly Weigh In! Biggest loss so far!!

I'm super excited about my weigh in this week!!  I lost 2.2 lbs bringing me to 188.6 lbs!  I did work out for a total of 4 hours last week, 2 of those being bootcamp which is just super hard for me and really burns calories unlike anything I've ever done before:)   It was emotionally a tough week for me and I really concentrated on not eating my feelings away so that is a huge NSV for me. 

In our meeting one lady brought up the fact that with Weight Watchers we are taught not to beat ourselves up about eating unhealthy food once in a while or getting off track now and then but understanding this is a life long journey and those things happen.  She said she thinks about having a candy bar and looks at her points allowance or weekly points allowance and once in a while decides it's okay to do that.  What I really got out of her comments was that when I plan Saturday's "cheat" meal, I'm planning it.  I'm not upset at something and running by McDonald's for a cheeseburger and fries or I didn't plan poorly my meals for the week so I find myself telling my husband we should order pizza.  My splurges are purposeful and planned.  I think that's important in my life because I can tell you that I didn't become 200 lbs by ONLY eating when I was hungry.  A lot of it was  poor planning, emotional eating, and the inability to say no to food in social situations. 

We used to eat out a lot as a family but I finally set a $200 a month budget for us to eat out on so for a regular restaurant, that ends up being about 1 eat out meal a week and we usually do that on Saturday.  But this week we decided to skip it and eat at home for all of our meals and it was no big deal.  There's nothing worse than using your Weight Watchers weekly allowance points to eat out at a restaurant and then having the meal not be very good so at home I can control how good it was:)  We made pizza but we make a very thin crust pizza and I'm able to measure out the cheese and know exact points.  I did have a splurge though in the form of homemade cinnamon rolls topped with Pioneer Woman's maple frosting and they were delicious!!

My plan for this week is to workout for 5 hours total.  My trainer at bootcamp has the same heart rate monitor and watch that I have but that I never have used in the 4 years I've owned it.....so I asked her on Friday if she liked it and used it very much.  She said what she does is set a "Calorie Burn" goal each week.  Last week it was 3000 calories so she logs her burn every day.  I thought that was such a good idea versus a time goal because I can jump on a treadmill and after 45 minutes barely break  a sweat.  Or I can be in bootcamp and the first 10 minutes I'm sweaty and breathing hard.  So I'm going to try it out this week and get used to the monitor and logging my calories and next week I'll set a goal for calories burned.

How's your week going?  Any NSV or weight loss victories this past week?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Healthy Lunch Ideas!

At our last Weight Watchers meeting, our leader encouraged us to try new foods because even though some people can stay on the plan by eating the same thing day after day, it's good to change up your foods so that you are getting a wider variety nutrients from different foods that your body needs.  I saw just a few minutes of a Dr. Oz episode with a guest that thinks Dr. Oz is wrong about most things and the guest ate a high protein, low-to-no carb diet and really had very little veggies and no fruit (from what I could see since they showed a days worth of food).  The kicker was, this guy just wrote a book but he refused to have his cholesterol tested and doesn't even know, supposedly, what his numbers are!  Dr. Oz remarked that even though you can play with your body's chemistry and lose weight on that type of diet, you are missing out on vital nutrients that have been proven to reduce risk of certain diseases and cancer so to eliminate those from your diet is a big mistake.  Just like the HCG diet, sure you can lose weight eating 500 calories a day because you are playing with your body's chemistry but long term if your goal is to be healthy and keep the weight off, that diet is not sustainable.  Plus, a diet that tells you not to exercise for a period of time, huh?  I think that diet has appealed to Americans need to be skinny as quickly as possible and not necessarily be healthy long term.  I really don't need to be a size 2 or 4 if it means I'm starving myself or limiting exercise but a size 6 or 8 would be nice!

Anyways, back to why I wrote this post!  I basically eat the same few lunches- black bean soup, salad with grilled chicken, or a BLT made fairly healthy.  I want to mix it up this next week so here are a couple great links for lunch ideas:

1)  Cooking Light- 22 Healthy Lunch Ideas
Here's the two that I think I'll try this week:

-Curried Chicken Salad with Apples and Raisins
-Chipotle Pork and Avocado Wraps

Roni of Ronisweigh.com has great podcasts on her personal blog and also has a food blog called GreenLiteBites.  I want to try any of the panini's (they all look so good, can't decide which one to decide first!) and since I've never tried cooking portabello mushrooms, I want to try out her recipe Cheddar Pepper Stuffed Portabello Burgers for dinner soon!  Most of the recipes I want to try I'd probably make for lunches at home and I'm terrible about planning a Monday-Friday menu and kind of just winging it on the weekends which leads to eating way over my points for two solid days so it'll be nice to have some weekend lunches planned.

Do you have work-lunch ideas or at home lunch ideas?  I'd love to hear what you are eating!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It's a Sad Day.

Yep, I honestly want to drive straight home, throw on a pair of pajamas and watch movies all day in bed with a pint of Starbucks Caramel Machhiato ice cream.

I'm sad, I know why but I can't push certain thoughts out of my mind to get over this "funk" I'm in.  Do you ever start thinking of a million different things at once and days go and then you realize that you haven't been focused on whatever you are doing but instead sort of day dreaming, thinking in your head, making up different scenarios in your mind about all these little things?  Like I feel like I'm not present in my life.  It's weird and frustrating.

Little set backs in my goals have popped up here and there lately but this morning I pulled myself out of bed at 4:30am even though my BFF sent me a text that said she wasn't going to bootcamp, I got dressed, went to bootcamp, sweated like it was no one's business and came home.  The next hour was like a nightmare.

What started out as a discussion about my husband taking care of the kids on my bootcamp mornings if they got up say between 3:30-4am and needed to be put back to sleep turned into my husband telling me he has more of a maternal instinct than me, that he got FIRED from his job for being 5 minutes late and not laid off like he told me and he doesn't understand why I think there is a difference between the 2 (laid off means they have no work at the moment for you, fired means they did not feel like you were a good employee and chose for you to not work there anymore which is not acceptable considering we have 2 kids we are raising and you need to have your shit together to help support our family), and finally he told me people don't want to talk to me because I'll just blow up at them (totally not sure what he means by that, I honestly never confront or blow up at ANYONE except my husband), so I'm not sure if I even want to hear how he came up with that conclusion.

So yeah, I'm sad.  I want this to be the year I thrive since I felt the last 2 years were all about just surviving life.  I just don't want another year to pass by where financially, physically, and emotionally I'm in the same place I was a year ago.  Maybe I want too much and should just be.

My first instinct after feeling sad was just to head to work and not even pack a lunch because I'll just figure it out later.  But I stopped myself  and cut up my bell pepper and pear and made a grilled chicken wrap and threw in some string cheese because I can't keep getting off track of losing weight every time life gets hard.  And trust me, life gets hard a lot.  My life is not a fairytale and things just don't always come easy for me. I know boo-hoo, total pity party but I don't get why every aspect of my life often  feels like a struggle.  So that's where I'm at for the moment.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Weekly Weight Watchers Weigh In: Not much to say

Well, I'm the exact same weight as last week and it's disappointing considering I ate on track the entire week and wasn't at Disneyland eating chocolate croissants and ice cream martinis.  I even started bootcamp and got 2 hour long high intensity work outs.  And nothing. 

Yesterday my mom said she was going to quit weight watchers because she wasn't losing any weight so why keep paying $40 a month?  She usually gives up around the 16 week mark and soon after I follow because it's less fun waking up early on Saturday to go to a meeting without knowing anyone there. 

But late last night she texted me that she'd see me at the meeting and thanks for encouraging her not to give up.  I sort of think they conversation I was trying to have with her about not giving up was the same conversation I was having with myself in my head a couple days before.

So I'm not giving up, I'm just going to track everything, get my water in, and get my exercise in and dang it, next week's weigh in better show some kind of loss before I pull out the poor me card for you all to see.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Confronting my Husband about his bad eating habits...bad idea:(

My husband came home early from class yesterday and said he had thrown up so his teacher told him just to head home.  I asked what he ate and he said he didn't eat lunch.  He says this A LOT and most of the time it's true.  Me, I may miss lunch once every couple months and let me tell you, I get nauseous and usually get a headache so I thought, well no wonder he got sick.  He had a really small breakfast and never brings snacks to class or work.  Oh and drinks a huge soda every day.

Well it was my turn to do dishes last night and I always run through our bedrooms for glasses that we've left in there and on his nightstand was a bowl that obviously had Oreos and ice cream in it previously.  Yep, he had came home for lunch and downed a bowl of ice cream and mini oreos (I don't even know how he found those, I'd tossed them on a high shelf in the back so I didn't start eating them, should have just tossed them in the trash!).  I grabbed the bowl and asked him if he had ice cream as his lunch and commented no wonder that he threw up in class.  You can't just let your blood sugar get so low by not eating for 6 plus hours and then give it a sugar overload.

After the kids went to bed, I decided to tell him I was concerned about his eating and health. He has chewed tobacco since he was in high school and top that off with bad eating habits, it's just really unhealthy.  I've also had to help Dylan poop 3 times in the past month.  Sorry to be so graphic but it's awful when your baby screams because they are so constipated from eating just carbs and cheese all day because his dad doesn't make sure he eats fruit and vegetables!  Every time it's happened, I've asked what Dylan ate the entire day and it's been like waffles or pancakes for breakfast, then a cheeseburger or grilled cheese for lunch.  And that's it, no sides or anything.  And I get that Dylan is picky lately with his food but he has to do better.  We had a big talk about it and he was doing much better but in the past couple weeks, he's bought fast food for the boys way too much in my opinion so I feel it is my place to be upset.

However, once I started talking about how he eats, it turned into how he spends $60+ a week eating fast food and getting snacks from the gas station and that doesn't he know he is heading down the same path as his family (they are all extremely obese. His brother weighs 400 lbs, his dad is definitely in the 300's) and he talks about how bad they eat, but that he wasn't much better. And that I was fed up with him saying he doesn't feel good all the time.  Well yeah,  you don't take care of yourself.  And his not feeling good turns into me being supportive by saying, "Just rest, I'll make dinner.  I'll get the dishes.  I'll give the boys their baths."  When really it's like, eat something healthy and stop downing Dr. Pepper and cheeseburgers and maybe you won't feel like crap all the time!  I even told him, I'm not saying he needs to lose weight, I don't care about that, but that he needs to feel better.  But once I opened my mouth, it was like I couldn't stop.  I even said I'm taking his debit card and he can have $20 in cash a week to spend eating out.  Which really, that's like me treating him like a child unless I did the same.  I eat out maybe twice during the work week and it's McDonald's oatmeal and a vanilla iced coffee. 

I believe that when people get upset at others for an issue, sometimes they are projecting their own issues on that person.  So maybe that's it?  I used to think if he just didn't eat it in front of me, then it was fine, but I hate that he is eating fast food every day.

I don't even know how to back track because I'm sorry the way it came across and I kind of just blind sided him, but it is important for me for him to be healthy.  He is in and out of the doctors all the time and we have an entire shelf in one of our cabinets with a million bottles of his prescriptions.  We even have an at home blood pressure machine because 2 months ago, his blood pressure sky rocketed and the doctors ordered him to take his blood pressure every day.  I could really use your advice on how to discuss health and nutrition with your spouse or do you just leave it alone?

Biopsy Is Done!

I had my biopsy today and I do not remember getting stabbed 5 times last time like today!  The worst part is, it's not like the needle goes directly in and right back out.  It gets put in and moved around about 4-5 times and then pulled out before each sample is collected.  It's a really strange feeling seeing someone stick a needle in your neck and then move it around, gives me the shivers just thinking about it!  Apparently the mass was spongey which is a good thing, less likely it's cancerous.  The nodule has grown since December though but sometimes these nodules shrink or stabilize so it doesn't necessarily mean it will just keep growing.  Also, I did bleed under the skin they said so I got a bandaid put on my neck and I have to keep an eye on it for swelling.  I'll get the results back within a week:)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bootcamp and a Thyroid Biopsy

This morning I woke up at 4:30am and headed to my gym for day 1 of bootcamp!  It was hard actually getting out of bed but once I was in the car, it was totally fine.  Our class was only 9 people which is nice because the trainer can really help you out with form but at the same time, there is no way I could slack because she'd totally see!  I did a fitness test and measurements.  Since I first had my measurements done in mid September, I've lost 3 inches in the chest and 3 on my hips!  My body fat is down 3% also but my overall weight loss was only 8 pounds.  I really kind of stalled out my weight loss with my trainer.  She was vegan and wanted me to use the gyms food tracking system and 2 months into it, I realized just how much I needed Weight Watchers  and the weekly meetings again and that since she wasn't a nutritionist, she couldn't give me advice but just to say not to eat cookies or ice cream.  Also, since I was working out with her twice a week, I was slacking on coming to the gym the other 3 days for cardio so I was not losing anything.  I'm hoping now that I'm combining 3, hour long, bootcamp sessions a week plus 2 more visits to the gym WITH Weight Watchers, that this really revs up my weight loss.  My lungs were on fire in class and it was seriously the hardest work out I've done since I ran track in high school.

In other news, tomorrow I go in for my thyroid biopsy.  I'm hoping obviously that the results come back as not being cancer but I'm okay with it because I feel like no matter what, it's not like it's a death sentence, they can always take the nodule out.  I think my thyroid levels are off again because my vision is extremely blurred and I've had perfect vision my whole life.  I'll probably get my blood checked in the morning and then call around for an eye appointment.  Or maybe I'm just getting old and falling apart, haha!  Anyone else have vision problems due to their thyroid levels?

Here's a video of what my procedure looks like. It turns my stomach to think about it because it is uncomfortable! Stab a needle in my legs, arms, stomach, backside....but any where on my head or neck, no thank you!!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Your Schedule vs. Your Goals

I was asked last month if my schedule matched my goals.  Not at all!  Am I waking up at 5am during the week to work out, come home, get ready for work and be to work by 7:30?  Am I "time-blocking" during my work day to make sure I'm doing the activities I need to do to achieve my goals or am I surfing the web reading blogs, "window" shopping online, making personal calls.  And in the evenings am I accomplishing my to-do list (chores, organization, quilting, etc.)?  Nope, not a whole lot of that going on either.  I'm sporadic, all over the place and often times I go to sleep thinking I did not accomplish enough and I almost don't want to go to sleep because then I'll wake up the next morning and be faced with disappointing myself again by not following a schedule that allows me to reach my goals.  I can't even blame it on the kids!  Since my mom watches them, it really means I spend from 3:30-7pm with them everyday so they are not hindering me from following a schedule! 

Here's the schedule I'd love to follow:
5am- Wake up, head to the gym and work out.
6:15- Shower, eat breakfast, pack my lunch and get ready for work.
7:30- Arrive at my office (I like to get there earlier because it's quiet, I can really focus and get on track)
3:15- Leave work to go get the kids
3:30-7- Spend time with kids, cook dinner, bath time, story time.
7-8pm- Chores, organizing the house
8- Possibly 30 minutes of at home cardio to a DVD
8:30- Relax, quilt, read a book, or watch TV
9:30- Bed time!

This is what it looks like lately:
5am alarm, hit snooze, go back to bed until 6:45
6:45am- get up, "lolly gag" around trying to get ready, watch the Today show as i'm getting ready
8:30am- Leave for work
9am- check facebook, blogs, youtube, think of a million other personal things to distract me
10am- actually start working
2pm- decide that I'm really tired of working, leave work, run household errands
3pm- pick up kids
7pm- kids are in bed, sit in bed and watch 3 hours of TV like a big ol' coach potato.

BOOOOO!  Why am I doing this?!  I do start Bootcamp tomorrow morning at 5am-6am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for 12 weeks and I'm hoping that pulls me out of my funk! 

Do you let the days and weeks pass you by without achieving your goals because you can't stay focused?  Or are you really good at keeping a schedule!  Please do share what works for you and what doesn't!