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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Mommy Time

I can still remember 4 years ago when I was not pregnant and I'd get bored in the evenings or on weekends and I thought that once I had kids I'd do all these fun things with them and my free time would be so filled with quality family time. 

Enter 2 kids 11 months apart, post partum depression, complete lack of sleep and the vision I had in mind was anything but what I was experiencing.  There were a lot of amazing moments, days spent with the kids and I love to look back on everything we've done with our kids. 

But about 5 months after having Dylan, I was craving alone time.  Could I please just go browse Target for an hour without hearing him scream?  Can I please sit down to a hot meal and not have to eat it so fast I could barely taste it and usually I was standing up!  And as someone that struggled with infertility and an adoption that focused on reunification, I felt so much guilt even thinking of leaving them.  I found myself only leaving if they were both asleep and then I just rushed as fast as possible and tried to make it home before they woke up.

I even thought about Stroller Strides and joining some of the mommy groups. But honestly, it's just not for me.  I don't think I can take another question of how long I breastfed Dylan or if I had a natural birth!  Not that that's all they talk about it, but there's things I want to talk about that I don't need my kid right there while I'm handing out snacks and wiping boogers. I would count that as family time and I have friends that love it, but for me it just wasn't appealing.

This year though, I've realized that I'm a social person.  I always have been and for some reason as soon as I got married I gave up more and more opportunities to be in social situations.  My husband is anti-social in 95% of scenarios.  And that's okay.  He'd rather go for a run or go hiking by himself and that brings him happiness.  I've been trying to reconnect with friends and at least once a week be in a social situation without the kids.  I usually have lunch or brunch with one of my girlfriends once a week.  I was also asked by one of the preschool moms if I wanted to join her women's volleyball team that plays Monday nights.  It's a blast!  I played competitively in junior high...so about 17 years ago:)  But I still have some skills and we play no earlier than 6:45pm so I do kiss my kids good bye and tell them I'm going to play volleyball and I've noticed the happier and excited I seem about the more they seem okay with it.  Same thing when I go to the gym in the evenings, maybe twice a week because I missed my mid-day work out, they'll ask why I'm going and I'll tell them because I need to exercise and be healthy and they give me hugs and kisses and then wave at me from the front window. 

I am a better mom because I got a piece of me back.  Each mom has to find what works for them.  Y

Just Keep Swimming! Diet Bet Challenge Results

As silly as it may seem, this little Finding Nemo quote is what I've been repeating in my head several time a day since January 1st.  Even when I eat exactly my weight watchers points and put 6 hours in the gym a week, sometimes a very small loss shows up on the scale instead of the 2 pounds I was hoping before.  At times in the past I just threw my arms up in the air, had a pity party and went back to my unhealthy lifestyle.  But I have to keep focused and know that it will pay off, the weight will come off and so much is out of my control while so much is in my control.

I weighed in for Roni's New Year Diet Bet yesterday and I made it by .1 lbs!!  I lost 8.2 lbs in the 4 weeks of the challenge.  Haven't heard of Diet Bet, go check it out at www.DietBet.com.  Roni is starting a February challenge with a $20 buy in starting tomorrow, I'm definitely in!  I did celebrate a little with a serving of baked ravioli that I didn't eat with my family the night before because a bowl of pasta prior to weight in usually spells disaster for me and for dessert I had a small piece of chocolate cake I had in the freezer and I scoop of light ice cream.  I went over 12 points for my daily points.  I woke up this morning and I lost 1.6 lbs, now tell me how that makes any darn sense at all?! Last week I only loss .4lbs for the week.  It didn't add up.  But have you ever watched the Biggest Loser when a contestant comes up on the scale and a gain or zero comes up on the scale?  You know that they put it in the work so they just keep pushing, they just kept swimming. So that's what I'm going to keep doing.

I was talking to my sister about my small loss earlier this week and she (who had gestational diabetes and had to pay attention to the glycemic index this past summer) asked if I was drinking milk.  It threw me for a second and then she said that it was higher on the glycemic index than most people would think.  What about bread, even whole grain, did I eat bread a lot?  Because that can really get you but you know you can have pizza.  Wait! Wait! Wait!  WHAT?  I do understand the science behind what she's saying, but even when I asked if she meant just like thin crust veggie pizza, she didn't mean that at all.  And I didn't eat hardly any bread BTW.  But still, I don't think I'm overweight because I drank too much skim milk or ate a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with mustard, tomatoes and spinach leaves and instead I should have just been eating pizza?  I'm not looking for a quick fix.  One thing I know is losing weight just to turn around and gain it all back plus some is an awful feeling.  Tell me skim milk and bread is off limits, guess what I'll want to eat all day every day?  Bread and milk.

Last week I did buy a new pair of shoes that I was fitted for at our small local running store and also a new sports bra so I could stop wearing two bras to hold everything in and up!  Finally, most of my calf pain is gone and I don't have to stop my Couch to 5 K 12 minutes in!  I have had to step up my water intake to help also.  I'm starting week 4 of the couch to 5K tomorrow, it's crazy how quickly you get better on that program.  Anyone else dreaded the timed mile in school PE classes?  I was always dead last, now I'm going to rock 3.1 miles come this spring!

Monday, January 21, 2013

What I'm Eating This Week

One thing I remember about being successful losing weight previously is that I basically ate the same thing a week at a time.  I love to cook, absolutely love it, but it's time consuming and often leaves less energy to work out or spend time with my family at night so lately I've been making a recipe on Monday night and eating the left overs through Saturday.  The first week I made Spicy Honey-Brushed Chicken Thighs and couscous.  The next week I made Cheesy Meat Loaf Minis and sweet potatoes. 

Tonight I will make Weight Watchers Chicken Cordon Bleu and wild rice for dinner and eat the left overs the rest of the week and for lunch I'll make a black bean soup.  I do weigh and measure everything!  Also, I've found that bringing a piece of fruit, pretzels and water in the car with me has helped me from not feeling super hungry between lunch and dinner.  I've also stopped going to Starbucks cold turkey since January 1st.  I was so addicted to that stuff and I hope to just make it a once a week treat in February versus the 5-6 times a week I was ordering it.

Here's what else I'll be eating.........
Organic Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal with 1/2 Tb. butter and a dash of cinnamon
Brewed coffee with Sugar Free Vanilla Coffeemate (which I believe to be a bunch of chemicals in a bottle but I like it,  yikes!)

Black bean soup with 1 Tb. light sour cream and salsa
Carrot sticks

Chicken Cordon Bleu
Wild Rice
Sliced yellow pepper strips raw

Cutie oranges
Pretzel Sticks
Fiber One Brownie (a processed food but loving it)
Cookies and Cream Skinny Cow (limited to 2 per week)

Update to my previous post...

First of all, thank you for your comments about my marriage woes.  My DH left yesterday and flew out of state until Friday night for training for his job and it's actually a welcome relief to just have some space.   He left on a good note and we had another heart to heart talk.  But as you could probably tell by my last post, I'm pretty much at my end of having talks because I know it's only a matter of time before it's bad again. 

Before I got married, I always assumed a spouse would do something such as becoming physically abusive or cheat and that'd be the signal the marriage was over because growing up that's all I could remember that caused people we knew to get divorced.  So when I started dating my husband and we had difficulties that didn't fall into those categories I figured you  just keep working on it and stay together.  After nearly 10 years together, neither of those two events have occurred so then it's like when do you call it quits? 

I'm considering doing the Love Dare but on the other hand I want to work selfishly to make myself as whole as possible by getting healthy physically and mentally.  Not that you can't do the Love Dare while doing those things but sometimes I tend to take on too much at one time.  I just need to consider it for a little while longer before making a decision.  That's where I'm at today, again, thanks for hearing me out on the last post:)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Staying Together For The Kids

I married my husband in the summer of 2005.  I can admit now in the privacy of this blog that the week before we had a major melt down in our relationship and my gut told me it wasn't the right decision to get married to him.  But wedding preparations had already taken place, out of state guests had their plane tickets bought and so I just brushed it off as nothing is perfect, everyone fights from time to time, and we'd be fine. 

And some days, well at least once or twice a month I still feel like we weren't ready and maybe we aren't just meant to be as husband and wife.  Since we've been together we've endured 4 deployments, an ad on adult friend finder seeking a casual sexual relationship (was brushed off as  my husband's female coworker had an ad on the site and his buddies made him post one so they could see more of her profile, I know I was possibly stupid to buy that lie), DUI 5 months after we were married which costs us over $10,000, 4 years of layoffs 6 months each time, infertility, adoption and the stress that I wrote about often here, an unbearable mother in law, screaming matches and one that was so verbally abusive last May that I had to call my mom in tears asking her to come quickly and take my kids so they didn't have to witness it anymore as I'm bawling asking my husband to please just stop for 10 minutes so I can get the kids out of the house, and so on.  It seriously feels like a train wreck.  I don't know anyone else who's had a marriage like this who didn't get divorced so holding on and still trying to make it work is exhausting. 

So when is enough?  I think the movie Fireproof is awesome, I watched it again yesterday.  But how do you continue after the first couple months and not slip back into old habits.  We go out on dates at least twice a month (yes I plan them, he has no part it in and will not take initiative to do it), yes we hold hands, yes we say I love you, yes he buys me flowers out of the blue, yes I make his favorite dinner as a surprise and clean the house spotless so we can relax the rest of the weekend.  But none of it helps.

I don't even desire to go to marriage counseling because it was a train wreck.  I do think I need individual counseling though, I've never had that except one session with the marriage counselor where she wanted to know all my sexual and dating history which was humiliating to retell.  And I fear that by going to counseling that the counselor might tell me that I shouldn't be married and that maybe it's in my and my kids best interest to be divorced.

You know how hard it is to stick to a diet and exercise plan when you are constantly at battle with your husband??  I've done it for 18 days and it's one of the hardest things ever not to grab a treat to feel some kind of happiness or not workout because you are so pissed you can't see straight.  But the last thing I'll let him do is destroy me because I want to be the best mom and example I can be for  my kids.

Can I let you in on a secret?  The only reason I don't go file for divorce is the thought of him dating or marrying another woman and her playing mommy to my kids half of the time is the worst thought in the world.  It also means that I have no intentions of having another baby because it's not okay to bring a baby into this relationship which means my desire to have more children will likely not be fulfilled. 

I think long lasting marriages have bad times and sometimes even bad years, but how long do  you keep trying before you realize the relationship will never be what it needs to be for all of us to be happy?  I'm wondering if anyone out there has been through this and can give me advice or words of wisdom.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

65 Pound to Lose, Will 2013 be THE Year?

If you were to ask me why this year is the year I'm going to lose the weight versus any of the last 20 years I was over weight, I wouldn't know how to answer.  I don't know if this means I'm slightly doomed to fail or if the same reasons I should have lost weight before and kept it off before are still the reasons I need to lose weight today.

Health, self esteem, and energy.  That's why I want to lose the weight.

Before I ever knew what PCOS was, I still knew it was unhealthy to be so overweight but now that I understand PCOS, I really understand how it changes my hormones and how my body functions.  I'm not just a fat girl that gets her period like everyone else every month.  I have periods that don't come, I have ones that come for 2 weeks at a time, stop for a week, then come for 2 weeks again.  I have hair that I have to shave everyday from my stomach and I've lasered hair off my arms (which is amazing by the way, totally do it if you can spend the money!) and yes, it's possible even at a normal weight I could still have those things, but I'll never know until I lose the weight and I'll feel less guilty knowing that I did what I could to lessen those physical problems.  Today, I'm on 1000 mg Metformin and synthroid. 

Since I've been working out and eating better, I already feel more proud of myself than I've felt in years.  I can look in the mirror and see the positive features of my body and not dwell so much on the parts I want to change.  I know that even in a size 14/16 and XL that I can still look nice, where clothes that make me feel good, but that every time I sit down, my muffin top explodes over my pants and it is actually physically uncomfortable to sit.

Since becoming a mom, my mind sort of goes numb around 7pm when the kids go to bed because I'm exhausted.  Or was exhausted.  I was wasting valuable hours each day by just sitting on my couch and doing nothing productive.  Last night when the Biggest Loser was on, I decided I might as well go to the gym and watch it since we have no cable and just rabbit ears which don't pick up NBC for some reason.  So I walked at 3.1mph for 1 hour 52 minutes.  Crazy right?  But it wasn't hard and I wasn't doing it to get a high intensity work out, I just felt I had the energy and it seemed ironic to just keep watching season after season of the BL while sitting on the couch and usually eating dessert.  I need the energy and I want the energy.  I want to look for reasons to be active or productive each day instead of finding reasons to not be which is how I've lived most of my life. 

My goal this year is to lose 65 pounds.  I weighed in at 200.2 lbs on New Year's Day and I joined Roni's Weigh Diet Bet where I have 4 weeks to lose 4% of my weight or I lose my $20 bet.  I weighed in at night so the scale read 202.8 lbs. As of last night, it read 195.8!  Seriously, it used to take me 5-6 months to lose that much. I often lost .2, gained .4, lost .4, lost nothing and on and on.  I decided to cancel my monthly pass to meeting on Weight Watchers.  I thought it would hold me accountable, but it didn't.  When I lost 25 pounds before on WW, it was just online.  I've tracked every day and stick to my 29 points and I only eat probably 10 points of my extra 49 they give you and I don't eat my activity points.  So far, so good.  I'm starting Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred tonight and I'll post before and after pictures.  I'm also doing the couch to 5K (previously I never got past the week that you run a mile finally) and I love it.  It feels good to make this body run and I couldn't care less if the hard bodies at the gym watch my wobbly bits bouncing around as I power through each work out.

I have lots to catch up with you on- to get pregnant or not, marriage, parenting toddlers, downsizing our lifestyle and paying off debt, and so on.  I hope you all are still reading:)