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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Used to Feel Cheated but Now I'm at Peace!

It really took until a couple weeks ago before I felt 100% at peace with not feeling cheated by my kids.  I don't know how to say it in the politically correct way but all I know is for the first 2 year of being a mom, I felt I got cheated and wasn't handed an easy situation with either kid and in some ways wanted to have a baby again fairly soon to do it all right this next time.  I posted this blog post a while back about all the things I'd do different last time and I still stand by that list, but now I don't feel like I need a do-over. 

It was really difficult spending my pregnancy (it honestly is a blur) being a new foster mom and month after month I was fighting to keep this baby with  me and safe and not back with his drug addicted mom.  I told my husband the other day that it makes me sick to my stomach every time I think of how I had to drop Austin off with his parents for an hour and a half visit two times a week for an entire year and a half.  I dropped MY SON off with drug addicts!  Who does that?  I can't ever imagine doing that with Dylan and I only have 2 people that babysit my kids, my mom and a coworker's daughter, because I want to keep them safe yet I was forced to drop Austin off and leave week after week.  And to top it off I had to say at the end of each visit to say bye to your mom and dad which was BS because my husband and I were the only ones acting as his mom and dad.  I was asked to take Austin to the jail to see his mom (I said no way), then was asked to take him to the psych ward at a behavioral center to see his dad (again, no way, are these social workers nuts!), to drug rehab to see his mom and so on.  It was awful.  I felt like a bad mom every time. 

So my first experience as a mom was rocky.  Foster care is worth it, but it's not easy and I felt maternal instincts for Austin almost immediately but the state forced me to do things that went against most instincts.

Then Dylan was born and at about 3 weeks he became Colic for the next 4 months.  I was exhausted the first few weeks from in-laws and just figuring my life with a newborn and dove straight into colic.  If you've ever had a colicky baby, you know what I'm talking about it.  It's an awful awful feeling not being able to console your baby and a couple months into it I got post partum depression.  My first 2 years as a mom were just not how I ever planned it to be and yes, I envied those that seem to have it so easy....with one kid.  One "easy" baby.

But today, today is awesome!  I smile every time I look back in my rear view mirror and see my two adorable little boys sitting in the backseat.  Or when they run up and give me kisses and every time I come home and walk through the front door they cheer and say, "Mom! Mom!" and give me hugs and want all my attention.  I didn't get cheated, I get to be a mom to two great kids!   And you now my friends with those "easy" babies, well they are far from easy toddlers and now I feel like the lucky one (not that it's a competition but you know when you have kids that are well behaved and you see other kids acting out, you feel a little lucky!!)  I don't even feel a strong urge to try to get pregnant anytime soon.  My boys are a lot of fun, I love this toddler stage (minus the picky eating and potty training part of this stage!!) and I just want to spend time with them without bringing another child into it....for a while.  Maybe when they are both in preschool we will think about it.  I do want a baby girl and I always said I'd adopt if we didn't have a girl but I'm not so sure of that anymore because these kids are all that I need. 

Yesterday a box from Shutterfly arrived with the 600 pictures I had printed.  For some reason I hadn't printed off any of the kids pictures for the last couple years (maybe because life was a little hectic you think) and oh boy, some of these baby pictures make my ovaries hurt missing that baby stage!  I feel bad that I don't have a single baby picture of Austin until he was 5 months old and not many more until he was about 8 months old because the state always said he was going back to his mom so I didn't feel right about printing and framing pictures and then hand them over this mom.  But I digress.  Here's a couple of my favorite pages from Dylan's album (and don't worry, I didn't take him out in public in that onesie with the funny saying)!

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