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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

She's arrived

Born today, 6 lbs 4oz.  My heart hurts, like physically hurts and sometimes I feel an anxiety attack coming on and have to stop and relax my mind.  Her mom has decided to keep her, to take her a couple hours away to live in a small hotel next to the paternal grandma that said she'll help out.  It's not a good situation.  Last week she texted me she had a fight with her husband and he kicked her out of the hotel room and she was staying at a shelter.  She said if she was still there when the baby was born, she'd call me to come pick her up.  A few days later she went back to her husband and that was that.

It's like a failed adoption except for I knew in my heart for a few months that she'd try to keep the baby so I didn't prepare anything in my house.  But now this baby girl is forever connected to my son as another sibling of his and it's not like we move on to another adoption.  This was a one time thing.

I finally ordered an infant fleece snow suit and hat because it's cold here and that's the first thing that sells out and I was worried about getting a call to come get her  and that would be the hardest item for me to find.  I haven't even opened the package it was mailed in because I knew it would likely be returned.  And it will be.

She had a c-section so she'll be in the hospital for a few days.  Who knows, maybe something will come up and she'll change her mind but I doubt it.  I know the day she texts me they are leaving the hospital will likely be harder than today because then any hope will be gone.  My husband is very sad about the situation.  He really wanted to be a dad to that baby girl, he wanted to keep her safe and raise her.  It's not that we can be very supportive of the mom to keep her baby because unfortunately when someone continually abuses drugs, that's not a safe place for any baby to be.

But then I looked over tonight and watched my boys cuddled up on the couch together laughing and hugging each other and though I'm very sad and worried for this baby, I'm so very lucky to have these two boys.  I can't imagine how excited they would have been if we had had the chance to tell them we were bringing them a baby sister home.  They are baby obsessed this year and if a baby is near by, they are right there next to it being such sweethearts.

We are off to Hawaii next month.  The boys are excited and I think it'll be good timing for us after all of this.  I can't imagine a day going by that I won't worry about this baby girl.


  1. Big hugs, Brandi. You are a great mom for just considering this, what a hard situation. I hope baby girl has a good life no matter where she ends up.

  2. Hi Brandi just wondering how you are & how your trip to Hawaii was.

  3. Its been almost a year, hope you are well.

  4. I was thinking about you today. I followed you on YouTube back in the day and you videos helped me keep inspired until I finally got pregnant with my son. I hope things are well with you

  5. Hi Brandi,
    I have just been sat thinking about howuxh life has changed in the 6-7 years since both you and I posted our hopeful videos on YouTube. (Little shel from England here)
    I was thinking of you and wanted to say hi. My email is pcosshel @ gmail.com if you would like to get in touch.
    Michelle x