2 decades of being fat, turning 30, is this the turning point?

I realized the other day that I've been obese for 2 decades... TWO DECADES.  Without a single break of being normal or skinny anywhere in there!  And I'm turning 30 next month which seemed to come out of no where, wasn't I just showing my ID at the local bar downtown to officially have my first legal drink in a bar?!

I guess the hardest part about turning 30 is realizing that for 20 years I haven't been able to get my mind straight about food, eating, my feelings, exercise or any other thing that make up a healthy person. 

-I'm obsessed over food, what to cook, what to buy.
-I've been in double digit clothing since I was in 6th grade.
-I've weighed myself everyday since at least 9th grade (*note to self, don't leave a scale in your kids bathroom when they get older, especially if you are lucky enough to have a daughter one day.)
-A day has not gone by for 20 years when I haven't thought about my weight.
-I can't even imagine myself as a skinny person, maybe that's the issue, I just have never been after puberty so it's not like I long for something I once had.

I really do believe I know "how" to lose weight.  But I'm the ultimate planner, but an epic failure at implementation. 

I always think 'today is THE day my life will change, I will lose the weight.'  Then it doesn't.  Dylan turns 2 in 2 months and I currently weigh 2 pounds less than I did one week postpartum.  That's depressing.  Granted someone could tell me I'd have to have my right arm amputated to be a mom and I'd do it.  My kids are incredible.  But I fear that I'm setting the example that I swore I wouldn't.  I thought they'd always eat balanced meals and we'd go on nightly walks/runs even in the winter and well that just hasn't happened. 

My kids eating is very frustrating, but they are 1 and 2 so my expectations should probably not be so high but there are all these cookbooks and websites that show all these fabulous meals that your little toddlers will just gobble up.  Well I call BS on 90% of it!  Austin gobbles up spinach leaves with a little ranch on them and sweet peppers but Dylan, the kid is a picky eater and after 2 days of him eating very little, you bet that I let him eat a Yoplait smoothie and chicken nuggets for dinner just so he will eat.  Which that isn't the worst meal but realistically, how many days can I let him eat that versus teaching him he needs to eat what the family eats and try new food.

I wore Spanx this weekend to a wedding and holy moly, why do women rave about those things?  I've owned several Spanx items (each time convincing myself that they make me look thinner, ha!), most commonly the really high wasted knee length short looking things.  And the minute you sit down or breathe the wrong way, the top rolls right down underneath your fat roll so you look like a can of Pilsbury biscuits that just exploded.  And then in a room full of 200 people you have to figure out how to inconspicuously pull those suckers back up!  Those things are going in the trash today.  I've never felt fatter than when I was wearing them!

And I really don't want to blame PCOS, because unless I want to wear a shirt every day that reads "I'm fat because I have PCOS, it's not my fault" then I have to change.  PCOS I'm sure makes things harder for me to lose weight but it's not impossible and it's not an excuse like I've said before.  PCOS doesn't order my meal at Applebee's and it doesn't force me to make three dozen cookies and eat a dozen of them in a few days all by myself, and it doesn't tell me to watch TV all night instead of heading to the gym. 

I just read this post from Jennifer over at www.itsuxtobefat.com on the top 10 tips on How to get Fat.  It's so true that you want to laugh and cry at the same time! 

Okay, it's obvious, I'm having an 'I Feel Really Fat Week' but I hope everyone else is having an I Feel Skinny and Healthy Week and maybe one of these weeks, I'll join you:)