A Moment of Truth, I Did it Again

That weight tracker you see at the top of my page that says I've lost 13 pounds, well, it's a lie.  I did lose 13 pounds and then slowly I gained it back at .2 lbs, .4 lbs and then when between the time I went to Seattle for my birthday and the 2 weeks following, I gained back 5 pounds.  Then I gained 1 pound, then 2 pounds and well now here I sit at only 2.2 pounds less than where I started 13 months ago.  Damn!

In September my Mom decided she no longer wanted to do Weight Watchers because she wasn't following the plan at all and therefore not losing weight so she felt she was wasting $40 a month by still going.  This wasn't the first time my mom bowed out of WW, this would be the 4th time she's done this and usually it takes me about 1-2 months before I follow suit.  Then a year will pass and I'll regret having given up so I walk my chubby behind right back to WW, and sign up once again.  It's a roller coaster, the least fun roller coaster I've ever been on.  But this time was different.  When my mom wanted to quit, I let her.  I've realized you can't make someone do something they don't want to do and the stress it causes to convince my mom to stay takes away from my focus on losing weight.  My mom had gastric bypass surgery in 2003 so we no longer share the same problems with weight loss. 

I'm disappointed in myself for gaining it back.   I now weigh 6 more pounds than I did a week post partum with Dylan and about 11 pounds more than I weighed when he was around 2 months old.  And only 11 pounds LESS THAN WHEN I GAVE BIRTH.  Granted I only gained 17 pounds during my pregnancy but still!!  It's just not healthy and I do not feel comfortable at this weight.  Dressing has become more about what makes me look less fat and that's just no fun.  I do remember a brief period of time where dressing was actually fun, I weighed 160 pounds and plenty of things looked great on me. 

I currently have 24 personal training sessions left that I've paid for, 10 sessions to Jazzercize that I purchased a month ago, and 9 more months left a gym membership.  But how many times have I worked out in the past 3 months?  Maybe twice?  I did take a Zumba class and loved it!  I used to love to go out dancing with my girlfriends in college, but this....this was following a routine and it was so fast paced I couldn't keep up but I'd love to go back and get some of the dance moves back because it was so much more fun than walking on a treadmill!!  I just wish exercise was a part of my daily life, but it's not.  Even when I prepay things so that I'd supposedly be more likely to use it, I don't. 

And eating??  Well I love to cook and for some people they dread coming home and making dinner but for me it's relaxing and I don't think cooking dinner is what is really causing me to not reach my weight loss goal. I think it's the desserts and baked goods I make because it's not as if I make a batch of cookies or cupcakes and eat one or two and that's it.  I eat them until they are gone.  Often times it's like 6 cookies a day!!  And Starbucks, yikes, it's like my go to comfort thing when I start gaining weight and I don't enjoy the "skinny" drinks so it's the real deal that sets me back about $4.50 and usually around 350 calories:( 

So what to do?  Keep going to Weight Watchers and start fresh.  Clean up my environment, make a list of goals, think one day at a time and just keep repeating I'm worth the time and effort it will take to lose weight and keep it off.  Because I honestly believe there is a life that's waiting to be lived by me as a healthy woman.