Diary Entries from my Teenage Years: Contemplating Suicide

I've been working on organizing and decorating my guest bedroom for my grandpa's arrival and I spotted my box of high school keepsakes that was tucked away in a closet. It had yearbooks, my cap and gown and a few different journals. So I decide to read my journals for a few minutes to see all the silly things I wrote for a good laugh. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that I'd also written my thoughts on contemplating suicide…and not just once…but 3 times over about a 4 year period. It made me sad to read it and it made me even sadder when I realized the main reason I even thought of suicide back then was that either I was being picked on by classmates about being fat or that boys didn't seem to want to EVER be more than friends and when I showed interest they'd starting teasing me about being fat. It seriously hurt my heart to read lines like, "I should just do it, in a couple minutes I would be dead," or "I keep laying on my parent's bedroom floor looking under their bed at my dad's shot gun, I should just do it, why am I so chicken to do it?" or "How many pills would it take, 10 or 100, I don't know but I guess I just take as many as possible to make sure I don't wake up." None of my best friends are aware even today that I felt that way back then. No one knew or even had a clue I felt that way.

 

I was a great student, had a ton of friends (and we all know in Junior High and High School, sometimes as kids our definition of a friend is used loosely because good friends don't stab you in the back and they do defend you when people are mean to you, they don't just stand around like nothing is happening), never did drugs, never had sex in high school, never did anything really illegal except I did drink starting at the age of 17 at parties. So I was by no means a problem child to my parents. But I had weight issues starting at the age of 10 or 11 and we know how cruel kids can be on that subject. I was beaten down emotionally on a weekly basis, and when I rode the bus in Junior High I'd even say it was more like a daily basis. Then the fighting with my mom started. At the time she had not been diagnosed with depression and she would fly off the handle. Yes I got pushed, I even would get smacked. It's amazing that she's my best friend today but she had a horrible childhood that spilled over into her adult life and at times she was a bad mom. It was really hard because none of my friends ever got grounded, definitely not hit or smacked, so I kept most of it to myself. Around 9^th grade my mom finally got help and started medication that helped most of the time. We definitely had bad moments but I remember even in Elementary school her throwing plates into our dining room and they broke against walls and furniture and every other week she'd tell my dad she was going to divorce him and making my sister and I decide who was going to stay with her and move to Oregon or who was going to stay with my dad.

 

Having kids of my own now, I really watch my husband and I's arguments in front of the kids. Sometimes I'm furious and just have to save it until the kids are in bed because I don't think they need to see it. And I've talked before how I try and feed my kids healthy food so that they don't have a weight problem like me and get teased growing up. I have to admit whenever I see a really chubby kid, whether they are 6 or 15 years old, I feel really bad for them. I'm sure they are getting teased and I wonder if they ever feel like dying like I did when I was a teenager. There have been several stories in the media over the last couple years of teen suicide and I'ts heart breaking. I'm not sure what inside of me never allowed me to take the next step and for them it did. Obviously life does get better. I also realized after reading my journals, that this weight thing is a huge deal that really needs to be taken care of now. I've dealt with these issues for far too long. And most importantly, I have to do it for myself. I should have lost the weight back then, but I can tell you it would have been so that the people that made fun of me would stop, I was seeking their acceptance. Now, I'm approaching 30 years old and it's time to do it for me and my acceptance of myself.

Weight Watchers Weekly Weigh In: Great Loss!

Finally….a 1.4 lb loss bringing me to 186 lbs! I'm so thankful I finally had a decent loss!! It was memorial day weekend however and it was a lot of chips, starbucks, cookies, hot dogs, eating out, etc. so I'm going to really have to stay on plan these next 4 days to post another loss.

 

My Grandpa arrives tomorrow night and he is a meat and potatoes and dessert at dinner kind of guy and we'll be touring around so I'm a little bit worried about my diet. I'm going to try to concentrate on not drinking calories (soda, Starbucks, juice), eating as much produce as possible to fill up, and to watch portion sizes.

 

Did anyone catch the Extreme Makeover show last night where the girl lost 161 pounds in a year mostly on her own? Amazing!! I wish I had that drive. You know where a trainer tells you, "I want you to lose 80 lbs in the next 90 days," and like this girl, you work out 4-5 hours a day and eat healthy and you reach your goal? I still have not committed myself to exercise. There are weeks that go by where I don't go even once. That's terrible!! I'm hoping since most of my favorite shows are now just reruns for the summer, I can get away from the TV and spend my time being active. But the truth is I will watch the dumbest television programs just to fill up my time after the kids go to bed around 7. What a waste!! I hope all of you enjoyed the Memorial Day weekend as much as I did!

My 2 New Obsessions!

I LLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVEEE Pinterest.com !  Oh my gosh, it's like the best ever!  Basically people "pin" things to their online boards under categories like home, kids, fashion, photography, etc. and you can view people's boards.  I love finding great decorating ideas, recipes, and projects for the kids and I usually save the website under my favorites on Internet Explorer or I print the page and then I forget about it later on!  Errr!  Someone pinned the guest bedroom from http://7thhouseontheleft.com/ and I really want to do this to our guest bedroom! Love the aqua/gray/yellow combination!

My next obsession is an app for the Iphone called Fooducate!  It's awesome and FREE!  You basically "scan" the barcode on a food package and it tells you the Weight Watchers Points Plus value and also what the ingredients are (such as a chemical and what it's use is and if it's on the FDA's toxic watch list!).  My WW iphone app is really slow and time consuming to calculate points while i'm in the store but this is super fast!! I shared it at my WW meetings and people were loving it!

And I purposely am writing this in very teeny tiny print since I know about half my readers are trying to lose weight and I'd hate to sabotage your diet for even a day....but if you have a cheat time in your diet....these cookies at Annie's Eats are beyond delicious, quick and easy and are like 10 WWPP each, yikes!!  My husband grabbed his second cookie and I said to him, "I should probably let you know that those are about 500 calories each, that's probably why they taste so good huh?"  Not to tell him he couldn't eat it, but I just wanted him to be an informed cookie consumer:)

Weekly Weight Watchers Weigh In: At Least it Was a Loss

.2 lbs.... That's it. I've been sick for a week but my oldest was even sicker (as in he got "sick" over 20 times in 3 days) so there was no time for me to rest because I wanted to make him comfortable. I felt so bad for him!!

So yesterday I finally hit the wall and told DH I needed to just rest. And I mean all day long which is hard to do with two toddlers running around and wanting to come jump on my bed. I still feel like crap and hopefully this ends sometime soon:)

I hate when someone calls a person FAT!!

Little rant.....but I cringe when I hear people call someone fat or put on facebook something about a fat lady.  Like on FB when someone posted about being "disgusted by the fat lady buying 26 candy bars" or the "fat lady in the electric grocery cart hogging up the grocery aisle so I couldn't push my cart down the aisle."  I don't call people fat and I would NEVER have the balls to write it on a facebook post.  And I don't believe in either of these circumstances it made a difference if they were fat or skinny and who are you to judge!!  And who's never just turned their grocery cart around and went the long way to the next aisle rather than badger someone about not being able to get down the aisle.

My friend's husband Adam once, out of the blue, asked, "I wonder where kids learn the term fat?"  Is it because they overhear their parents call people fat, is it said in a cartoon, a book?  It's one of the most disgusting words I believe that comes out of peoples mouth.  I even hesitate to use the words "heavier set."  Our adoption attorney was trying to figure out what attorney for the state was representing our case because I just blanked on her name and I could barely utter the words heavier set when I described her but our attorney even replied back, "Attorney A is also tall but slim, Attorney B is tall but not as slim, I guess you could say heavier set but she's been working very hard on losing weight."  And I was so pleased with that because our attorney is very trim but even hesitated to use the word heavier set and immediately followed it up by what I think is a positive comment. 

I won't let my kids use the word fat to talk about people, they are too young to say it but I really hope to instill some sort of understanding in them that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, that you never call anyone fat or ugly.   I was teased as a kid and anytime I see an overweight kid or teen I immediately think back to how I was teased and I wonder if they are going through the same torment as I did and it makes me so sad. I'm sure easier said than done to be the parent of the kids that don't use the word fat but the obvious first step is to not use the word myself. 

Does the word fat make you cringe also?

Weekly Weight Watchers Weigh In: Uh oh, not good.

I gained.  I'd love to type a few choice swear words right about now but I can honestly say I was shocked!  I wear the same dang outfit to my weigh in every week and I always hop on the scale naked right before putting that outfit on.....so how did it read the same weight as last week but I get to WW and I'm up .8 lbs on their scales????  So frustrating.  Not that I would have been proud to neither gain or lose this week, but I do not, I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN weight.  I'll take a bunch of small losses over any amount of gain and this one was a whopper.

A bloggger over at Talie-Ho! wrote, "*If something you have eaten isn't listed in the Weight Watchers database, that's probably a sign that you probably shouldn't be eating it in the first place."

I love the flexibility of Weight Watchers and no foods are off limits but it is very difficult when I do indulge in bad foods that aren't packaged and I try to figure out the points but she is so right on with that comment!

I'm really struggling with my kids picky-ness at meal time and it's amazing how not only to they refuse to eat the healthy stuff, but one week when they like something (say yogurt) the next week they will spit it out, turn their head, etc. as if I just fed them a brussel sprout.  People say your kids will eat when they are hungry.....not true.  My kids will get down from the table and not even ask for anything the rest of the night.  I might Vlog about this this week because I'm baffled and I'm torn between just feeding them what they will eat so they are at least eating something or just continuing to put the healthy food in front of them knowing it will end up in the trash or thrown across the dining table.

As far as my mood this week, it was pretty decent:)  Great stuff happening at work AND, and we hired an adoption attorney finally and everything should be finalized in the next couple months!!!

Here's to healthy choices this week!

My Two New Chocolate Indulgences

Did you all know that I like sweets?  Like REALLY like sweets?  There are just certain things I haven't given up, like Chocolate, but other things I have such as going through a half gallon of ice cream per week.  My grandpa always said you have two stomachs- one for eating and one for dessert that's why you are never too full for dessert!

I love Chocolate Cheerios as a snack dry or of course in the morning for breakfast:



And then there are these 3 Point Weight Watchers Giant Fudge Bars!  I remember fudge bars being kind of watered down chocolate icy things that were so-so but these were like soft serve chocolate ice cream on a stick!  SO GOOD!!!!

Weekly Weight Watchers Weigh In: I gained, dang it!

Hummmm, well this week just stunk.  I gained .4 lbs.  I didn't journal, I ate very little produce, I consumed a 1/2 box of Rosemary Triscuits, didn't exercise, etc. etc.

I'm so disappointed in myself.  My husband went grocery shopping on Monday and we went to Costco together on Friday and as I'm putting away groceries I'm looking at the food going 'This is not the food someone who is on a diet buys.'

You ever feel that way?  When your groceries are loaded on the conveyor built and your looking down at it knowing that this really doesn't not look very healthy and you are sneaking the "bad" food under the bag of broccoli as if the person behind you won't notice. 

I need to be more honest with myself and not make this diet such a burden to myself.  I just hate dieting or making "life style changes", whatever you call it, I don't like it....but I don't like being fat and unhealthy either.  That's all, just a sucky week.