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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Diary Entries from my Teenage Years: Contemplating Suicide

I've been working on organizing and decorating my guest bedroom for my grandpa's arrival and I spotted my box of high school keepsakes that was tucked away in a closet. It had yearbooks, my cap and gown and a few different journals. So I decide to read my journals for a few minutes to see all the silly things I wrote for a good laugh. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that I'd also written my thoughts on contemplating suicide…and not just once…but 3 times over about a 4 year period. It made me sad to read it and it made me even sadder when I realized the main reason I even thought of suicide back then was that either I was being picked on by classmates about being fat or that boys didn't seem to want to EVER be more than friends and when I showed interest they'd starting teasing me about being fat. It seriously hurt my heart to read lines like, "I should just do it, in a couple minutes I would be dead," or "I keep laying on my parent's bedroom floor looking under their bed at my dad's shot gun, I should just do it, why am I so chicken to do it?" or "How many pills would it take, 10 or 100, I don't know but I guess I just take as many as possible to make sure I don't wake up." None of my best friends are aware even today that I felt that way back then. No one knew or even had a clue I felt that way.


I was a great student, had a ton of friends (and we all know in Junior High and High School, sometimes as kids our definition of a friend is used loosely because good friends don't stab you in the back and they do defend you when people are mean to you, they don't just stand around like nothing is happening), never did drugs, never had sex in high school, never did anything really illegal except I did drink starting at the age of 17 at parties. So I was by no means a problem child to my parents. But I had weight issues starting at the age of 10 or 11 and we know how cruel kids can be on that subject. I was beaten down emotionally on a weekly basis, and when I rode the bus in Junior High I'd even say it was more like a daily basis. Then the fighting with my mom started. At the time she had not been diagnosed with depression and she would fly off the handle. Yes I got pushed, I even would get smacked. It's amazing that she's my best friend today but she had a horrible childhood that spilled over into her adult life and at times she was a bad mom. It was really hard because none of my friends ever got grounded, definitely not hit or smacked, so I kept most of it to myself. Around 9th grade my mom finally got help and started medication that helped most of the time. We definitely had bad moments but I remember even in Elementary school her throwing plates into our dining room and they broke against walls and furniture and every other week she'd tell my dad she was going to divorce him and making my sister and I decide who was going to stay with her and move to Oregon or who was going to stay with my dad.


Having kids of my own now, I really watch my husband and I's arguments in front of the kids. Sometimes I'm furious and just have to save it until the kids are in bed because I don't think they need to see it. And I've talked before how I try and feed my kids healthy food so that they don't have a weight problem like me and get teased growing up. I have to admit whenever I see a really chubby kid, whether they are 6 or 15 years old, I feel really bad for them. I'm sure they are getting teased and I wonder if they ever feel like dying like I did when I was a teenager. There have been several stories in the media over the last couple years of teen suicide and I'ts heart breaking. I'm not sure what inside of me never allowed me to take the next step and for them it did. Obviously life does get better. I also realized after reading my journals, that this weight thing is a huge deal that really needs to be taken care of now. I've dealt with these issues for far too long. And most importantly, I have to do it for myself. I should have lost the weight back then, but I can tell you it would have been so that the people that made fun of me would stop, I was seeking their acceptance. Now, I'm approaching 30 years old and it's time to do it for me and my acceptance of myself.


  1. Wow this is really powerful stuff to read and it makes me sad to think that you would be at such a low place you would contemplate such a thing. Brandi - you come across as such a confident, intelligent, beautiful person. I'm sorry those bullies made you feel that way!

    I understand why you feel the need to address your issues with weight. I too was a chubby kid but luckily did not suffer any bullying, however since the age of about 18 the weight has crept on but I truly believe PCOS may be a contributing factor. Do you feel like the heavier you got the more it made you comfort eat? I certainly feel that way now and really want to make a change. It is keeping the motivation going.

    Shel x

  2. It's so sad to hear the pain you were in. My brother committed suicide and I had no idea at the time he had such thoughts. Thank you for sharing those extemely personal things with all of us. Your words help heal others, whether you know it or not. So many people keep these things to themselves.

  3. ***My blogger account is not letting me sign in, but this is Brandi!***
    Shel, I think I really started to comfort eat starting in college where food was so readily available in mass quantities or I could drive to go get it and I gained 30 pounds my first semester at college! And nowadays, yes, I think I comfort eat a lot. When I was younger, I chose bad foods too, but I didn't make a run to Starbucks or make a batch of cookies and eat half of them. I need to think of food simply as fuel for my body but I'm not quite there!

    Anonymous, I think most people that have suicidal thoughts are able to keep it from others pretty well. I definitely did not act like I was depressed. Anytime I hear parents now talk about their kids acting withdrawn or that they are fighting a lot, I always say, "Well what do you think about having them talk to a counselor?" I don't try to judge but I really do think a counselor would have been such a good idea back then. Even today, I should probably go see one because when I think back on my childhood, a lot of those memories still really hurt. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.