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Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I can finally breathe.  Nothing is "fixed yet" but the migraines have finally passed and I can breathe and make it through the day without crying.  My Grandpa just left and won't be back until Tuesday so hopefully my husband gets back from class at a decent hour and we can talk.  In my heart, I know I will stay now.  I can't promise it's forever and that awful therapist told me last summer you are either in or you are out of the marriage but that I couldn't expect it to work if I had one foot out the door headed to divorce.  At the time I agreed.  But I think I put myself in a tough place the minute I said I was in, all in, that allowed my husband and I to treat each other badly because I had already voiced that I would not leave.  This time has to be different.  I cannot let the fear of being without a partner or building a life as a single mom cloud my judgement of what my kids deserve which is to not be exposed to that shit storm that happened last week.  And what I deserve.  So I'm in, but it's conditional.

I was thinking this week about our friends and coworkers and it's amazing just how many people are divorced.  I can't even watch a movie anymore where the main characters aren't cheating or divorced.  It's like it's every where and it's very hard finding good marriage role models.  Maybe that's a small part of what I need.  To be around people that have healthy marriages.  There's a lot of stuff I need to do:)


  1. Sound's like things are a little clearer for you now but I'm sure it will take a log time to get through it. I guess communication is key and I hope your husband can understand the error of his ways and you work through this stuff. It sounds like your still really upset about the things that awful therapist said and sadly her words have played a part in this.

    I know what you mean about the role model thing, lots of people I know are either seperated or having problems. Is a marriage ever forever anymore? All we can do is try.


  2. I understand completely. It seems as if marriage is just something people do. I have been married for 8 years to my best friend. We argue we have ups and downs but i have never thought oh we need a divorce cause we argued. It seems like a lot of movies show arguments or people cheating right after they get married. I was told my marriage would never last because i was married at 16 i am now 24 and he is 30 and we are just as much in love as the day we got married. I think if you can get past arguments it makes you stronger in the end.

  3. That is a fantastic idea, and something very positive. Ben and I did that, we have made friends with a wonderful, wonderful couple who really value marriage and have helped us over the years. you are most certainly not alone, Brandi and the more you reach out, the more you will realise that there is help (and good help)out there in friends as well as professionals. much love, kasey (kma098 from yt)