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Monday, June 20, 2011

I Need A Fresh Start

I often think about what kind of life I want to live.  I want it to be more than thoughts and I want to see myself fulfilling my goals.  It's more about the lifestyle I want to live rather than goals really.  Yes I'd love to lose 60 pounds, yes I'd love to have X amount of money saved in the bank, yes I'd love to travel to this place and that place.  But what I really want is to live a day to day life that it is MY perfect world.

I'd love to consistently work out.  Not necessarily so I can lose a certain amount of weight but because I'd love to lead an active lifestyle.  Whether it's hiking more with the kids, going sea kayaking with my husband, running on the treadmill at the gym, taking the kids for a walk around the neighborhood, I just want it to be a part of my daily life.

I need to take down my YouTube videos.  There was a lot of talk the last couple weeks over Womb Tube and women sharing too much and most of my subscribers and people I watch were outraged and me, well not so much.  I tend to agree with a lot of the opinions.  I think ever since I posted my first video I in a small way regretted it.  I really was putting a lot of personal information out there.....yet NO ONE in my real life knows about it which means I don't really think it's the right thing to do.  I've also realized that I looked negatively on my real life family and friends because everyone on YT, especially in the infertility world, understood me where in real life it just felt like no one got it.  I couldn't find any people in my town to talk to or share ideas with so I turned to You Tube.  I get emails every week from people that watched all my videos and they thank me for sharing my story.  And those emails do make me happy.  But sometimes I feel like I don't necessarily want to make videos anymore.  Videos of what?  Here's my favorite baby toys, here's my kids reaching their milestones, here's me at the park with my kids.  It just seems silly to me sometimes.  Why even post that on  You Tube?  Is that really going to be life changing for anyone to watch that and is it just wasting my time that should be used towards other things in my life that are important to me?  I also think I tend to hold my YT friends to a different standard than IRL friends.  IRL friends are expected to call you periodically, make plans to go out to lunch, invite you to their birthday, show up to your kids' birthdays etc. Yet YT friends are what, expected to watch and comment and that's why they get you so much??  I do love that I've met some wonderful gals through YT.  Shel comes to mind right away, yet I know we will both keep up with each others blogs even if I take down YT:)

I watch too much crap TV!!  And I don't judge any of you that watch it because I've watched the Real World on MTV since it first aired, I was still in Elementary school!  I watch all the Real Housewives too!  And sometimes I watch and think, this really is a waste of time....only because I don't finish certain projects because I watch HOURS of reality TV!  So I'm not saying I'll never go back to watching it but for the next 3 months, I'm going to stop watching Real Housewives, Real World, Duggars, and Kate plus 8....just to see if I use my time in better ways and I'm happier....if not or if I decide to watch it again then so be it.

I want to craft more and complete projects in my house.  I really do love doing projects.  I did 4 different projects for my husband's Father's day gifts and I really enjoyed it!  I'd love to do more things like that for birthdays and Christmas but I always seem so short on time (too much TV watching!).   My house is only 5 years old but there are parts that don't quite feel homey that I need to work on and there are parts that are certainly falling apart that need attention so when the kids go to bed, I'm going to work a little bit on that stuff.

I want to try working from home for a month.  I currently rent an office in a large building but I'm just not that happy there.  We have the worst secretaries that never greet me, are rude to my clients and even my peers sometimes ride the elevator up or down and don't even say hi. It's so strange to me.  And people in my office just seem so fake lately so I spend too much of my time thinking about their short falls instead of worrying about my own business.  It's not a good feeling to NOT want to go to the office.  Why I haven't worked from home is A) I think in general people are more productive in an office environment and easily distracted in a home office and B) I felt guilty if my kids are at my mom's being watched if I was still at home yet I can't have them home and get work done or even make calls so I can't be a stay at home/work from home mom.   The hardest part in making the decision to work from my home office was to decide to still send my kids to daycare (AKA my mom's).  I pay my mom regardless of how many hours she watches them and for 5 months this year she got paid for not watching them at all so I should let go of the guilt.  I've set some goals for what I want to achieve in my business in that  month and either I make my goal or I go back to the office so I'll keep my office space for the coming month and if it works out, I'll give up my office after the month is over.

Obviously this month has been an extremely hard time in my life.  When something that awful happens it makes me reevaluate what changes I need to make.  There are many areas of my life that I have control over and yet I'm not controlling them the way I want to.  I do have to say that the past week has been really great.  I could have totally botched Father's Day for my husband but I really made a good effort and it was awesome because he is a good dad and it needed to be celebrated.  We are both making good efforts to help each other out and less effort intentionally trying to pick a fight.  Hopefully it's a fresh start for us and maybe these few changes I'm going to make get me some of my happy back:) 


  1. Good for you! I believe you can do anything you want to accomplish Brandi! You are doing great! One question, what is WombTube?

  2. It's pretty silly but Good Morning America ran a story on women putting their pregnancy test results on You Tube for everyone to see along with other pregnancy vlogs and is it sharing TOO much? Then other newstations followed and totally bashed sharing pregnancy journeys on YT. Myself included, I agree some women share TOO much and they have the right to do it, but is it necessary? I never shared my pee stick on YT, I showed it to my DH, that's it. Doesn't make me better than others, just there are certain things I don't think you have to share, like pee sticks:)

  3. oh ok, I looked it up after reading your reply and saw the video on abcnews. Wow! I honestly don't think the videos were in all fair or compassionate with women on YouTube, it is just painted the experience of sharing in such a negative light, too bad! I agree with you tho I don't want to see someone else's pee or pee sticks. The line of what someone should or should not share is so blurry now. I support your idea of getting rid of your vids, honestly do what you have to do. I got rid of my videos, blog and my facebook. Partly because you never know where my stuff will end up. Also because even though I felt bloggin would make me more accountable it actually made things worse for ME. It would suck if you got rid of your blog too, so don't do that lol jk. Reading your blog every week is one of the things look forward to reading every week!

  4. Oh Brandi, I am ALWAYS thinking about what I should change about my life. Finances, Weight loss, How to be a better mum, the list is endless. Every day I think about what I need to achieve that day but I barely get through it! I bought Zumba for XBox Kinect last month with all the intentions of working out but you know what I have done it once.
    Don't be too hard on yourself, your a working mum, as am I which is achieving a lot more than many.

    PS - I really think you should try working from home :o)

  5. PS - I often think why am I blogging about what Eden is eating or what we did at the weekend but then I think well, I can look back at it and if anyone else wants to then thats up to them, however mundane it may seem so you should write/video whatever makes you happy :o)


  6. Hey Shel! I get blogging about milestones, but when you set up the video camera, take the time to edit it and then upload it to youtube, that's a lot of time and effort and I sometimes I just wonder if that youtuber really thought it was so important, and of course they did or they wouldn't have done it right? I have lots of quick videos I took on my flip camera to remember the boys milestones and funny moments, but I just don't post them all. If I write a blog post, it takes such a short amount of time. And obviously I write quite a few posts that are about not too much (such as my weekly weigh in's) and it's like a little journal. I look back at some of my videos and I'm like, why is this video 15 minutes long??!! And why did I waste 1-2 hours to edit and post it. But that's just where I'm at with my thoughts on blogging/youtubing:) I actually really like reading about Eden and it's great since her and Dylan are so close in age and because she's so cute!

  7. I'm with you on the Youtube issue, hence I haven't posted a video for ages. I already have an account for Eden with a few little videos of her just to share with family in London who don't get to see her much. Oh, by the way great idea about the Birthday photo - my email is shel_ho@yahoo.com - email it over anytime and I will work something out with it :o)