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Monday, June 13, 2011

We finally talked...

My Grandpa and his girlfriend left on Wednesday so when my husband got home Wednesday after his night class, I finally just told him we needed to talk.  He told me I'd already made up my mind so what was there to talk about it.  I told him whether we were staying together or getting a divorce we still had to talk about what was going to happen.

He admitted he'd never been so mad ever (I really hope he didn't mean ever, I can name several incidents in his life that were a million times worse than this before I ever came along, but in the moment, he was extremely mad).  I told him I'd never been so hurt either. 

We agreed that if either one of us felt like that would ever happen again in front of the kids, we needed to get a divorce because it absolutely cannot happen to them again.  For me the worst part while it was happening was that I begged him to stop and not do it in front of my kids and he wouldn't, it carried on for over 10 minutes.  He's taken a child psychology course and I know he knows how that affects kids. 

We did talk about divorce and he assumed that everything according to our state is split 50/50 including custody and bills/money.  I told him as young as our kids are and with his unpredictable schedule (sometimes working nights) and going to school 2-3 nights a week, it wouldn't even be feasible for him to have the kids during the week.  But I told him that just because logistically and financially taking care of two kids would be very hard, it wasn't enough of a reason to stay. 

I do still hold things against him that make it very hard to be happy in the moment.  I can't say it enough how hard PPD was on me.  I told him that when I finally admitted I had it, he threw it back in my face and kept saying I needed to call the doctor (which I did) but it was like it gave him permission to blame everything on my PPD.  I told him what I really needed was for him to say, "You just concentrate on the baby, I'll take care of the cleaning and cooking so you don't have to take time to do that, and you just relax.   I'll give him bottles so you can sleep more."  It was completely overwhelming to juggle everything on no sleep with a colicky baby and me with low supply issues.  My husband can let the house become a total mess and would still lay on the catch and nap.  I know everyone says just enjoy the baby and don't be so uptight about cleaning because you won't ever get that time back with your baby.  For me, to be relaxed and happy in my home, it has to be to tidy.  I can't look at piles of dishes, dirty counters, piles of laundry, dirty floors.  That ups my anxiety a million times.  So I'd do laundry all night long while my baby was up from 7pm-2am, I'd eat standing up and as fast as I could and never once did he say let me do this for you.  He even said that he was tired too because he worked and went to school 3 nights a week and then had to study at night.  WRONG.  He took that semester off.  I couldn't believe that for over a year, he was remembering the situation as that!! Blows my mind!!  That was the longest 4 1/2 months of my life.  And I still haven't forgave him.

So yes, I do need counseling.  You know there are times when I hold a grudge against my best friends for crap they did or said to me in junior high and highschool?  Yep, sometimes I think, 'Why am I even still friends with you?  You treated me like crap this time or that time.'  I mean seriously, it's been 10 or 15 years, get over it right?

My husband also thought he was helping me out by taking the kids to the park so I could have some me time.  I told him me time shouldn't be me doing laundry, going grocery shopping, preparing dinner, cleaning the house.  I told him he actually takes time away when he isn't helping me out (like yesterday when I cleaned the kitchen and living room spotless, within an hour I find 3 scrunched up paper towels-on the couch, by the kitchen sink, on the bookshelf, WTH??).  Or when I come home after he's been off work all day and it's 4:45 and he hasn't figured out dinner, that's stressful after I've been working all day.  I don't give a crap if he takes the kids for a walk a few hours later, you already stressed me out and while you are walking, I'm probably cleaning the kitchen.

But I have to say that when we went camping from Friday-Sunday, it was probably one of the best family trips we've had.  No fighting and bickering, a lot of laughs, and I was able to really enjoy my kids and my husband.  I think we need to go back to the chore chart, scheduled me time, and dates though but individually we really have to work on ourselves.  I appreciate all the input, even suggestions of books to read (I'm planning on buying the 5 Love Languages today) from everyone!


  1. mmmmmeeeeeeee tooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! I can't relax at home with the house a mess and from what you have written, I KNOW you will benefit from the 5 love languages because what you are saying is that you would feel loved if your husband were to offer to do these things for you and because he didn't, you don't feel loved - this is because he doesn't understand your love language is acts of service! I hope you will get a copy and have a read. YAY FOR PROGRESS..just take one day at a time (thats what I had to do) and if you'd ever like to hear my story, just let me know and I can e-mail it to you!
    Much love,

  2. So glad you are willing to stay and work it out! 5 love languages is a fabulous and eye opening book, works best when both parties read and understand it...my husband doesn't read much so I gave him the audio version for him to listen to in the car. Good luck sweetie!

  3. I feel the same way about having things clean in order to reduce my anxiety. I remember the first 5 months of my baby's life as so aweful becasue of no sleep, adjusting to a BABY, dealing with colic, and wanting things to be clean and tidy so I didn't feel that EVERYTHING was out of control.

    I think you obviously deserve a husband who is a partner. Taking responsibility for household tasks (cleaning, cooking, feeding a baby at night, shopping etc.)as though he is part of the same family too! When I had issues with my husband I thought about all of the things that bothered me alone, but in the end I had to talk to him about it. And it was his reaction that I felt was most important in determining if this was going to be a happy marriage or not. Since we can't read each others minds after all. Once I shared my concerns I expected him to listen, not get defensive and really care about making things better on his end. I had to have a few talks especially when I felt he listened but I didn't see him doing the things he said he would do to change. But in the end it comes down to communication I think and really being open to specific things (example: go grocery shopping a few times a week so I don't have to do it ALL THE TIME, take the initiative to cook some meals) that can improve your everyday lives. If in the end no one, or only one person, is willing to make changes in their routine then there's a problem, don't you think?
    I hope that you will find a solution that works for you as a couple and works for you alone too. You deserve to feel cared for, respected and loved.

  4. Anon#1 and #2, I did the test online yesterday to see what my language was and it was acts of service. I totally should have known that:)

    Anon#3, I totally agree about communication. I admit that sometimes we have great talks when i finally bring things up, everything is on the up an up....then he stops helping around the house, with meals, etc. and then I get stressed thinking do I bring it up AGAIN or just let it go and do it all myself. I've never figured that one out. It feels like nagging if I bring it up too often.

  5. I'm Anon #3 - I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing up these sort of things several times (I guess it depends on the husband). I guess the way we say these things matters of course. When you bring things up with your husband, how much is too much? Or how much is "nagging" in your mind? How does he respond? I think in the end, you have to be happy in your relationship and if you're not happy (for whatever reason)then that has to be discussed with your husband openly, if it has to do with something he does or doesn't do. Both of you are involved in the relationship, not just you and not just him. If you believe you have discussed things so much that there is nothing more to talk about and things are still not improving...well then you have to know what your own comfort level is with having things stay the way they are. If you knew that something you did really bothered your husband, how would you respond? I am just bringing these questions up hypothetically. I think every couple is so different, that what works for one couple doesn't always work for someone else. So if I bring up something with my husband 20 times that may be ok, but someone else's husband might be pissed off after 2 times. I ramble on way too much. Sorry. Just hope you listen to your inner gut and don't settle until you feel happy, which is what you deserve.