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Monday, June 6, 2011

Not Sure What To Do

Let me start by saying that having my Grandpa and his girlfriend fly in for a 2 week visit the day after I told my husband it was over was probably our saving grace.  Because I don't air my dirty laundry to my Grandpa and I definitely didn't want him to know my husband I were having problems so we played nice, kept the peace and were forced to be around each other A LOT.  But the bad part is my Grandpa is still here and we aren't able to get away and talk so we have still not talked about it but he is probably flying out to a cabin on Wednesday for a few days so that'll be our first chance at talking.

I'm really struggling with all of this right now.  I keep asking myself if I can get pass this, could we ever get back to being really in love and showing each other respect AND affection.  The affection part is really bothersome to me at this point because I feel like I'd just replay this whole event in my head and wouldn't even be able to lay next to him let alone having any intimacy.  I openly admit that when we started having to have timed sex because of infertility and timing of clomid, our sex life suffered immensely and I'm not sure if it would ever be the same once we got to that point.  I know some couples really enjoyed the baby dancing but it became a chore followed with disappointment 2 weeks later when I wasn't pregnant month after month.  And we definitely haven't recovered from it.  I thought maybe a few months after we had Dylan we would, but I was just not that new mom begging the doctor to give them a go ahead to have sex 6 weeks post partum. 

Marriage counseling last summer was awful and now it's getting thrown back in my face as I'm the one that got us kicked out and it is true that the counselor was talking to me when she stopped the session.  So I'm really not interested in doing couples counseling at this point.  It's a very vulnerable spot to put yourself in when you spill your guts and tell this one person more about yourself and your marriage than any other person in the world and when they don't get you on a path to a better marriage, it feels like betrayal of some sorts.

I would do individual counseling but no amount of counseling is going to teach me that the hurtful things my husband said or him throwing my salad spinner all the way across the kitchen (I know, sounds so stupid but I've just never seen him act that way.  Whatever made him think it was okay to grab it out of my hands and throw it against a wall while lettuce and the parts to it exploded everywhere, I'll never know.) was okay to do.  But I think I've been through a lot especially over the past few years and I'd rather work on myself at this point.  I'm still hurt by our marriage counselor last summer telling me that if I got a divorce, that I wouldn't find something better.  It didn't come with a big explanation and I thought she was going to add that I needed to work on myself first, but nope.  I mean I'm definitely not thinking of a divorce because I think I can just go find a better man but to have someone that knew me for all of 3 or 4 hours of counseling to make that judgement really hurt.  I really hope if I ever did get a divorce, that I could work towards a better life, I definitely deserve a better life and to be treated better.

It was traumatic for me to watch him pick up Dylan after I kept repeating for him to please stop, just stop, not in front of the kids and try to get him to stop yelling.  I said, "Dylan is scared.  Put him down and just stop, you can't do this in front of them."  You know what it's like having your husband yell at you in front of your kids and tell  you you are a bad mom over and over.  He did not physically hurt Dylan if you are wondering, he was holding him very gently, but emotionally, who knows what damage he did.  I can't even remember where AJ was, that's awful but, he must have been somewhere but he didn't make a sound.  I'm bawling even writing this. 

I always told  myself that if my husband cheated or hit me, I'd leave (and I'm not judging those that  have been in that situation and decided to stay still) so after all this happened I was completely confused.  I'd never thought about what I'd do if my husband did this.  It wasn't cheating, it wasn't physical abuse, but it was horrible so then what am I supposed to do?  It is difficult to have kids and decide whether to stay or not  because I certainly cannot have them witness that again so I guess the big question is if I really believe that will not happen again or if we are better parents on our own.  I definitely haven't made up my mind if I'll say the words I want a divorce or not.  In the past I've said things like, "Either we start couples therapy or I'm done."   I don't have to have a perfect marriage, but I sure as heck would like a good one!!  

I definitely don't want to bother you all with my mess of a life, it's just good for me at times to write it out versus having these thoughts play over and over in my mind.


  1. I undersstand where you are coming from. My husband and i have been working with infertility for 8 years now and we have had our ups and downs. I know that when my husband had his moments of stress and his only wa y to express is to yell. I have realized that a lot of what happens with a 50/50 it something you need to look at what your doing when this starts what have you said. Im not saying it is 100% ur fault but knowing he has PTSD it makes it easier for him to flip. My husband was in the military for 7 years and after he got out it wasnt the same. He changed and its hard realizing that what they go through is rough and making it so you talk and not yell at each other is hard but needs to be done. We went through marriage counseling 3 years ago and there was something said that keeps me on track when we have fights. U are responsible for your own feelings. What he does cannot make you feel anyway, only you can make you feel that way. and vise versa. I dont think that intimacy will ever be the same once you have done timed sex. It is something that has to be worked on and we have gone at times a few weeks to a month or more it makes it hard knowing month after month u keep getting a BFN, and all your work was useless. My husband told me that it makes him feel like he cant do the one job im asking him to do. I suffer from PCOS and there is nothing wrong with him so he does not understand that i feel broken but we have worked through stuff and have our days when we'd like to kill each other but we make it aa point to have time to talk and be with each other at least one night even if it is just to lay on the couch and watch a movie. My husband has never hit me but he has times when he throws stuff it is frightening but in the end i realize that i say stuff that i know is going to set him off and i keep saying it till he snaps and so i believe it is 50% my fault. Just some words for thought... i hope you can work through this.

  2. Anonymous, that all makes a lot of sense, especially the part about only I can make myself feel that way. You sound like you know what I'm going through so that helps a lot. I don't have friends that talk about their relationship stresses so at times I feel like I'm the one with a bad marriage and I wonder how I failed so bad at it. Thanks for posting here:)

  3. Im glad im also not the only one who has issues. Its hard talking to friends that never talk about their issues. I seem to have friends that have no issues with their at home life and one does but she does not want it to work she gave it before her second child. Im glad i could help and you havent failed because you have not quit. Its just a temporary set back.

  4. Hi Brandi,

    I'm sending good thoughts your way... just wanted to let you know.


  5. I hope you don't completely give up on counseling, based on that asshole you went to. There are some really good therapists out there. The ones that don't have an objective other that to make sure you and your partner get what you need from the sessions. And it sounds like you went to a reall asshole before. A REAL ASSHOLE! UNPROFESSIONAL TOO. No decent, well trained therapist would ever behave the way you said this person behaved. It is really shocking to hear what that person said...

    I wish I could say something wise or helpful to you while you struggle with these thoughts. The only thing I heard when I got married that seemed smart to me was that when you are married, sometimes it's 50/50, sometimes its 100/0 and sometimes it 0/100. But overall (the average of your days) you need to feel respected and you need to respect the other person. No one is going to be wonderful and perfect all the time. But when things go really sour is when people in the relationship don't want to even bother. Or they could care less about the other person's perspective. If that is the case then it may be more healthy to stay away from that relationship, to get out. Rather than stay in something that feels so painful day after day after day. But you can't know that unless you have given it alot of thought, like you are doing now. Taking the time to think things over and decide what if anything can be done is really smart. It's not an easy decision. I am blabbing on, sorry. I just hope you find your answer.

  6. Anonymous, I haven't given up on counseling in general, just couples counseling for the moment. You are right that our counselor was an asshole and I'm sure there are a lot better ones. But part of the problem was my husband would sit there when she asked when was the last time we had fun and he'd say, "I can't even remember, it's been way too long." Then I'd sit there and ask what about 4 days ago when I arranged a babysitter and took you to the movie you wanted to see and out to lunch and we laughed and talked, you were just faking it?? So that stuff hurt me and depending on whether we stay together or divorce, I need to be whole again for myself and my kids and I definitely have my own issues to work out. It is very sweet to hear your thoughtful comments!

  7. Dear Brandi, I watched your youtube videos since 2007 (I'm kma098) and I can understand where you are coming from. There is a couple of fantastic resources that I have looked at in the past (being books) one called "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerichts and the other "5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. Both books boast of being able to restore miserable couples to couples that can show respect and get affection back. I thought I would share this with you. Much Love, Kasey.

  8. Kasey, I have heard of 5 love languages but never bought it so I think I'll do that today. I have a client that was ready to divorce, they sold their house even because it was a for sure thing and then were able to put it back together and be happy again. Maybe I should have read it when my client told me about it 2 years ago!

  9. I can vouch for it...it is brilliant. I read it over two nights and it just really hit home some real truths that just resonated with me and put me on cloud 9 to know that I wasn't the only one going through what I was going through and that every relationship has its ups and downs and that everything that is worth something sure is hard work. Let me know your thoughts. xx