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Monday, January 24, 2011

It's Hard

First there was the video when Dylan was about 3 months old and I was trying to describe how everything was going since he was born and the minute I said, "It's hard."  Cue the tears, bright red face, and ugly cry and I barely managed to say, "It's really hard." And I continued to talk through my crying and finish the video.  I deleted it a few weeks later and never uploaded it to You Tube.  How was I supposed to post something like that where I knew many TTC'ers experience fertility  problems were trying to get pregnant and here I was with my sweet little baby in my arms telling THEM it was hard.  I felt guilty.  So I just deleted it.  Because hard is NOT having a baby right?  I'm guilty of kind of laughing under my  breath at women talking about it took them a while to get pregnant and they are counting months and not years so I don't really want to hear what they have to say because they don't know what hard is.  But my hard is different than your hard and YOURS and you over there. 

I kept getting messages on YT in the past year saying that I should make videos and people missed me.  But what the heck did I have to make a video about?!  I figured no one wanted to hear that I hated breastfeeding.  There were days when I was like, it's not so bad and yes it's pretty amazing I can feed a baby, but most of the time I did not like it.  I wanted my body back, I was sick of people asking how it was going or sharing just how many months they breastfeed for.  Or just all the crap I heard and read about formula and that ANY ONE can get their supply back or increased (this is false.  just in case the Le Leche league won't tell you the truth, it's absolutely false.  Not every women produces enough milk for their baby.  End of Story.) 

This weekend I caught up on some videos that I subscribe to on You Tube and even checked out some other vloggers  I'd never watched before and it's so hard sometimes to watch the videos and then feel like I need to sensor what I'm about to say on my video so I don't offend anyone or sound insensitive.  But there was some talk about adoption and how it's just too expensive and it makes me want to scream at my computer.  I whole heartedly believe that anyone of sound mind and desire to be an awesome parent can be a parent within a matter of months!  It's called Foster Care.  They're called legally free/risk free placements.  The adoption process costs you nothing.  These kids don't have people lined up at an adoption agency with really cool scrap books that highlight their great family with fingers crossed that just one birth mom picks them out of the stack.  They are newborns and toddlers that belongings are packed into a black trash bag and far too often experience the days after their birth in the nursery at the hospital where no one cuddles them for hours and takes pictures of them and tells them how long they've waited for their arrival.  And upon their arrival, a social worker is frantically calling around begging a foster family to please consider a baby.  And you could be their mom.  AND you can still continue to TTC all the while loving on a precious baby.  It can happen and I hope for all those babies that are in a hospital nursery without a family to love them, that you decide that you will take the next step in adopting through the foster care system.  Please just think about it.


  1. Brandi- great post! Don't ever feel guilty for how you feel- own it! Just because someone wants a baby for years, like you, doesn't mean they are "ungrateful" or "complaining" by stating a fact- "It's hard." Heck yea, I am sure it is hard. I can't wrap my head around it. I don't think anyone can until it happens! But you are human, none the less, regardless if you had no baby, 1 baby, 2, or 10 it is going to be hard. You have to say "this is how I feel, and my outlet is YT or my outlet is blogging." People might judge you- but don't people do that 'walking down the street? At the end of the day, you write because it helps you, but it also helps others!

    So often I really want to write about something, or say something to someone, or even facebook something- but I don't because I am scared of offending them. So I do it in private, in my personal journal.

    People love to hear about your UPs and DOWNs becaue you are an inspiration! hard was trying for 4 years, hard is having a baby, hard is feeling alone, hard is feeling fat,heck life is hard! but more importantly, hard is how you feel, but it doesnt make you the least bit ungrateful- it is your story!

    People are inspired by you because you overcame so much, so people want to be updated. They'll never be disappointed in you though! I believe that people are so connected to you, that it does not matter how you feel- they would still love hearing from you.
    Good luck- and don't feel guilty- it is how you feel! :)

  2. Thanks Annie! Launderlife had a good YT video on good vs. bad people getting pregnant that I really enjoyed and I just wish motherhood and pregnancy was "fair" and we could all go through it, the good parts and the hard parts!

    I just got a call for an 11 year old girl that is being taken away from her parents and goes to school in my neighborhood. The social worker asked if I would take her and I said I couldn't, it never gets easier to say no. I really want to say yes, bring her over, she can be a part of my family and what can I do for her.

  3. OMG!!!!! Very well said!!! I love it. That is what we did. We are not done trying TTC (We have 8 frozen embryos left, that we will use at some point in the future), but we have Levi to parent now and we love him to pieces! I don't know why more people don't adopt. I have heard so many excuses, but I am here to say that having a child through adoption is a child you can love and will love you back. Levi is our son and we are so grateful he is in our family. Adoption was not our last choice, it was the choice we were called to now and I am so glad that we have him. Great post!

  4. Ok Ok, I will admit that when you got pregnant on a break I unsubscribed to you. Like you noticed right!? Well then 10 months later guess who got pregnant on a break from IVF... SMH. I subscribed again right away! LOL AND ya know what else!? Being a mom is HARD no matter how much you wanted to be one! I can remember thinking... what did I get myself into! Also BFing is HARD especially if PCOS won't let you have the supply you need. I wish you would have posted your video. Back when I was struggling with breast feeding and everyone telling me how much they love it and to eating more freakin oatmeal and my supply will come... it would have help to know I'm not alone. But you did start posting again! And now I found your blog! Your very helpful to me Mrs. Brandi! Thank you for posting what you do :)

  5. @Kimberly- Adoption was also not our last choice, and honestly when we did foster care after I found out I was pregnant, I thought it was a 6 week stay:) I'm so thankful it's turned out the way it has. Until you've gone through it and raised and loved a child that you did not give birth to and doesn't have any of your genes, it's hard to understand that it really is an amazing journey and it's no less special than if you gave birth.

    @Laura, I just laughed so hard when I read the words "freakin oatmeal." Too funny because I lost count how many times I was told to eat oatmeal. But you unsubscribed me?? WHHHAAT? LOL. No hard feelings, glad you subscribed again:)

  6. This is a great post. I think if you can, you should go more into detail about how to get involved with the fostering system. I, for one, have considered it, but really don't know how to even begin! What does the county/state look for in foster parents? Are there many hurdles to jump through? Just some more information would be helpful!

  7. Nicole, this is so true. I've always worried about local social workers being able to find my You Tube videos, and well now this blog so I've shyed away from going into detail until our adoption is finalized. I'm afraid of revealing too much or saying the wrong thing and having something bad happen:( I'll probably do a series of videos but maybe I can work on a post on how to get started just so if people are interested, they can at least start the paperwork and orientation:)