Overwhelmed

I cannot shake this feeling of being overwhelmed and worrying about what other people IRL think and say and do and how I measure up to them and their lives.  Here's what I'm talking about:

I'm doing Weight Watchers, but in today's world, unless I'm on a vegan diet, raw diet, only eat organic, chickens must be free range, cows must be grass fed, unprocessed food diet, I feel like it's not good enough.  

I work out, but I'm not training for a marathon, triathlon, or I don't go on leisurely 5 mile hikes up the face of a mountain without feeling like my lungs are burning and about to explode out of my chest at any moment.

I have happy kids, but do I feed them all organic, make their food, still breast feed, never let them eat chocolate or candy, or watch more than 2 hours of television? No.  Seriously, I can recite the songs to the Backyardigans, Olivia, and Wonder Pets, and I know who Moose and Zee are so I feel like a failure.  Do I load up my jogging stroller (don't even own one) and take my kids for a run each night?  No.  Do they eat fruits and veggies at every meal? No, I serve them, most of the time they end up on the floor or in the side of their chairs.   Do I never raise my voice at my 2 year old and always calmly give him a warning...heck no!  Do I give them bubble baths nightly using Johnson and Johnson even though it's supposedly so super toxic and bad for their health, yep!  Do I vaccinate according to the normal schedule at the doctor's office, yes ma'am!

50% of the time would I be  mortified if someone walked into my house before I had at least a few hours warning and therefore they'd see the piles of crap, the laundry scattered, that the floors need mopped, that I haven't dusted for over a month, that I have whatever meal Dylan decided to throw on the floor crusted on there from the night before?  Yes!!!

Am I embarrassed to say I watch ALL the Real Housewives shows and Jersey Shore and I wish I was Oprah and I never miss an episode?  Not embarrassed about Oprah, the other shows, yes and why are people so shocked that I WATCH TV??  Seriously?  I cannot tell you how many people tell me they never really turn their TV on??  When I said this weekend I was excited for the premier of OWN, Oprah's new network, a friend said Oprah disgusts her.  My reply....pedophiles and murders disgust me, not Oprah.  I just wonder why that person felt the need to chime in on my excitement and make such a statement to me?

Or that I really like Taylor Swift?  That I DO THINK SHE is talented and that if I had a daughter that turned out with her grace and manners I'd be over the moon?!   But my sister has to say, "Taylor Swift is AWFUL!  I can't believe you listen to her."  I would never ever say anything like that to her, ever.  Why would I want to make her feel bad about her choices?

I don't know when or why it started but I've always felt bad saying what I do or what i like even though in my mind, I'm seriously okay with the things I've chosen and that if other people didn't question why I like or do those things, I'd be so much more content. 

I'm trying to focus on not being afraid of being proud of what I do and how I do it and to block out what others say or think.  I mean seriously, why can't I like Taylor Swift and Oprah??  Or am I just not friends or acquaintances with the people that do like those things?  I've been friends with 3 of my best friends since I was in kindergarten and the other 2 since 6th grade and 9th grade but they are just so different than me.  When I go to baby showers, house warmings, Christmas parties, I am just so different than the rest of the people and I feel like everyone thinks I'm so damn social because I can ask them questions about them for hours and so they feel great, but people don't in turn ask me things about myself.  It's like, yes, we just talked about YOU for an hour and now you think I'm nice?  How many times did you ask me about myself and comment how great this and that was?  I think that's why I'm so drawn to YouTube and why I used to love making videos, because it was my turn to talk about myself and I didn't have that instant criticism I would if I said one or 2 sentences to someone I was standing right next to and I can choose to just read the comment and not comment back.  But at some point, I have to get back in the real world and get face to face with people to start building better relationships and really stand up for myself when it comes to the choices I've made about how I live my life. 

Do you ever feel this way?